Reconciliation Title:  Reconciliation Author:  Terri E-Mail:  xgrrl26@yahoo.com Rating:  NC-17 Disclaimer:  No, your honor, I do not own the mutants in question.  Or anyone else for that matter.. Archive:  Dolphin Haven, Peep Hut, anyone else please ask :) Feedback:  Please?  Before the first snow of the season?  Good, bad, and ugly welcome. Summary:  Reconciliation happens for Logan, first in one way, then another. Comments:  Warning  long authorial rant on fandom silliness ahead.  Please feel *very* free to skip to the fic if you'd like.  It's been a while since the last fic - sorry about that.  Personal life and the inability of, ahem, some people to Just.  Let.  Things.  Go.  Already!  has interfered with the fic production schedule.  This fic was prompted first by the word 'reconciliation' itself and a little pondering on its different meanings.  It was in progress when the latest round of fandom brouhaha struck, and I found myself of the receiving end of public allegations that, among other things, I refuse to accept criticism of my fic, that I give the other authors in the fandom a bad name, and that my morality as a person is, well, questionable at best and disturbing at worst ;)  It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I'm learning that it's something I have to reconcile myself to if I'm going to stay in the fandom.  These little skirmishes seem to be initiated regularly enough to set your watch (well, OK, maybe your calendar..) by, and it doesn't look like they're going anywhere any time soon.  I know it's something you have to come to a peace with and try not to let irritate you, but  I've managed that with only some degree of success ;)  I will tell you that I was bothered more than usual by this latest round of mudslinging, mostly because half-truths and distortions intended to shoehorn reality into a form that best fits a certain argument were flung about with abandon (and I've never been fond of propaganda), but not in any small part because some of those attacks were directed at me personally, not at my fic.    The fic  well, my headers have always asked for fb of the good, bad, and ugly variety.  I've gotten some of each, and Lord knows I've warranted the bad as much as the good (PedicureLogan comes to mind.).  Aside from explicitly asking for it with each fic, taking critical fb seriously, and responding pretty darn civilly to all varieties of input, even the ugly, I'm not sure what else I can do here.  I simply cannot get my mind around how 'please send fb  good, bad, and ugly' translates in some brains to  'My God, she refuses to accept criticism of her work!  The nerve!' so I'm just plain not sure what else I can do to clarify the issue for those who persist in thinking I refuse critical input.  The attacks on one of the lists I belong to  well, I think most of us are sensible enough to realize that encouraging positive, constructive participation in the spirit of fun rather than requiring strict grammatical and 'quality' (whatever that means) standards isn't promoting bad fic (just like the lack of a seat belt law doesn't mean that you can't wear one, only that you're free to choose), and that saying you can 'leave your spell checker at the door' was meant in humor, not as some grand assault on the Integrity of the English Language.  All I can say there is - lighten up, for Christsakes.  The personal attacks, though  well, those were meant solely to hurt, and they succeeded, which I'm sure has brought no end of glee in some quarters ;)  If history has taught me anything, it's that some people never grow past blindly delighting in their bad behavior, like children who relish cleaning out the cookie jar when mom's not looking, never pausing to consider that, sure, maybe mom will have the wool pulled over her eyes, but they're the ones who will have to suffer the hellacious tummy-ache in the end.  One last thing - I'm going to be short one (and my only) beta for a few weeks, at least.  Keli's RL is kicking up in a big way, so if anyone wants to volunteer for the admittedly quite thankless and very hazardous duty of betaing, please e-mail me.  Payment to be rendered in peeps, only ;) --------------------------------------------------------- She's gonna wake up soon.  Knew it wouldn't last forever.  Glad it happened at all, actually.  "Mmmmph." She wanted to have sex with me - she wanted that, you know, as something to have done in her life, and I'm fairly sure that's all this was.  She doesn't want a relationship with me, not really, not anymore.  I hafta reconcile myself to that. "Mmmph." Not that I ain't grateful it happened.  Not that I don't think she meant the things we said and did last night. At least I'll always have that, I'll be able to hang on to that.  She did mean those things, I think, but - just for the moment, just for that one time.  She said at the beginning of all this that she wanted to give us a chance, but I knew all along that it was gonna end this way, with her leavin' me the mornin' after.  I know her, and I know what I did to her with all my stupid-ass shit.  It's what the hell I was thinkin' when I did that, that I couldn't tell ya. "Mmmm. Logan?" "Right here, darlin'."  "Mph.  What time is it?"  Beautiful, just beautiful.  Hair all messed up, eyes all bleary, face all flushed from sleep.  Beautiful.  "Bout nine." "Oof."  Sinkin' back down is just fine by me, darlin'.  I wanna make this last as long as possible.  "I don't really feel like getting up." "Don't hafta." "But I do have to, um, go to the bathroom."  Dammit.  That's it.  She's gonna get up, then she'll be gone.  And here she goes - slidin' away from me, grabbin' for my shirt to cover herself.  Doesn't wanna lemme see her naked, not anymore, and she looks all embarrassed or somethin'.  "I'll just be a minute." "Go 'head."  I'll be right here.  Not goin' anywhere today.  After she's gone - well, it'll be best if I ain't around people for a while.  I'll remember the good things.  There's a lotta those, and not just from last night, from all the dates we went on.  She wanted to do that, to go through it, to give it a real try, she said.  'Course, I hadta beg her to give it any kinda try at all.  Not that I blame her; I don't. The dates, it was actually kinda nerve-wrackin', but I'm real glad we did it.  All those memories - Marie, laughin' at some dumb movie; Marie, gettin' all dressed up for me (well, me and the symphony); Marie, lookin' every now and then like she could maybe love me again, like things were really gonna be OK with us, even though I knew in my gut it wouldn't ever be OK   I wouldn't have all those memories if we hadn't done it.  Those memories are all I'm gonna have to hang on to as soon as she comes outta that bathroom and leaves me here. "Hey.  I'm back."  I don't wanna make her feel bad or have this be hard on her.  Don't wanna do that, no matter how much her leavin' is gonna rip me up.  "Are you getting up?" "Nah.  Gonna stay here."  Feel like shit already.  "Don't feel like gettin' outta bed."  But what's she--  "Well, me either, not really."  She came back to bed with me.  She's back in bed and snugglin' right up to me.  Why's she doin' that?  "I kind of feel like being a little lazy today." "Um..." "Or if you want to get up"  Liftin' her head back up, lookin' at me with those big eyes.  "Nah.  Just  I, ah  just thought you might want breakfast, that's all."  Maybe there's somethin' there, maybe - no, no, can't think that way.  Probably - I'd bet all that happened was that she liked it, that it was good for her, and that maybe she wants to do it a time or two more.  That's - that's OK.  That's OK.  I can give her that.  "I'm kind of hungry, but I really don't feel like going downstairs.  Is there anything in your mini-fridge?" "Beer."  God, Marie laughin' - damn good sound.  "Think there might be some leftover Chinese." "Sounds kind of yummy." I love you, Marie.  I love you with everythin' in me, everythin' good.  I wish I'd never hurt ya, and I'd give anythin' to take it back.  "OK." She's not gonna go for the food, though, she's relaxin' right here.  Soft hands, clingin' to me, her warm body pressed against me.  Could stand a lot more of this, a lot more.  "Did you sleep OK?" "Yeah.  Very good.  Better than I have in ages."  Didn't sleep a wink.  Didn't wanna miss it, you know?  Might be the only chance I have to have her close, to be this intimate with her, and I don't just mean the sex.  Couldn't piss that chance away by sleepin' through it. "Me too."  Maybe that's part of it too  I know how hard it is for her to get a good night's sleep, and she got that last night.  Maybe part of her stickin' around is that she wants a coupla more of those too.  I can give that to her, happy to.  "I feel really rested." "Yeah."  Nothin' else - she's just layin' her head down.  Maybe I should say some things.  "You know, I - last night was really good.  Special.  It was special to me.  Wantcha to know that." "It was really good for me too."  Not lookin' up.  Keepin' her head down.  Smells nervous.  Dammit.  Didn't mean to make her feel awkward or put her on the spot.  But I did want her to know those things.  "I liked it a lot.  I, um, I'm glad we did that, ah, together.  It was good." I could just cry at that.  I really could.  She sounds so damn shaky sayin' it and she's huggin' herself to me tighter.  Don't worry, baby, you don't hafta worry 'bout anythin'.  I'm gonna take care of you.  Even if it means lettin' you go.  "Wanna go back to sleep some?"  That's probably best - lets her off the hook, and lets me hold her a good long while. "What do you want to do?"  Still nervous.  "Could sleep some.  Could get up and eat.  Could take ya out to breakfast if ya like."  She usedta just love it when we did that before  loved seein' her smile, loved startin' the day off with her, loved feedin' her, feelin' like I was takin' care of her a little bit.  'Course, it was one of those times that I ended up kissin' her with her scarf, which was the trigger for me freakin' out and goin' to Jeannie, and then there weren't any more breakfasts after that. "No.  I don't - let's not go out, OK?  Maybe let's just  we could sleep a little more."  Nervous again.  Shouldnta suggested breakfast out.  That was a fuck-up.  Brought back bad memories.  "I wouldn't mind a little more sleep." "Sounds good by me."  And I'll give her just a little squeeze to be sure she knows that.  Love you, baby.  Love you, Marie, so much.  "Hey, do you want to pull over - maybe in that park?  It might be nice to sit and just, you know, enjoy the rain for awhile." "Sure."  Whatever you want, darlin'.  I'm just ecstatic that you decided on another date with me.  Just went to dinner, nothin' big, but I'm damn glad she wanted to do somethin' like that.  And it's even been an OK date, I think.  She's been pretty quiet, and I can tell she's thinkin', but I think it's goin' OK.  "How 'bout here?" "Looks good." Some nervousness creepin' in there.  Maybe this is when she wantsta tell me a few things, or tell me it's over.  I gotta keep prepared for that possibility.  "Could we maybe, you know, get in the back seat and, um, you know..." "Sure, baby.  Love to.  Why dontcha climb over so you don't get wet?"  Not that a wet Marie wouldn't be a damn fine sight, but she'd get cold.  It's November already, and that's probably a freezin' rain out there.   I don't mind a few sprinkles myself.  "Hey." "Hey."  Reachin' out for me  it's only the second time havin' sex for us, but I'm beginnin' to see that she's the kinda person who's a little nervous 'bout askin' for it.  That's OK.  It's..actually, it's so damn sweet.  "C'mere."  Lemme hold you, Marie.  I wanna hold you first.  "I like to watch the rain sometimes."  Scootin' inta my arms, makin' herself comfy.  "It's calming, peaceful, you know?"  Layin' her head right down on my shoulder.  "When I was working on learning control, it helped sometimes to just sit and watch the rain or the wind or the snow.  It made me settle inside." "Kinda like havin' you close makes me feel."  Whoops.  Slipped right out. "I'm glad I can be close to you like this.  I'm glad I finally learned to control it.  Well - a little."  She still can't touch humans - sucks their life right out.  She found some kinda switch in there that makes her able to touch muties without hurtin' 'em.  Their powers still flow into her, so she hasta be careful even with muties.  Wouldn't wanna go touchin' Scooter or some shit.  But with me - hell, that's part of the reason I'm always touchin' her, every chance I get.  Want her to get the healin', the strength, the senses.  Could help her if - if she don't wanna have me around anymore.  Even if we break up, I know she still might need - she might need to push me further away, get me outta her life completely, and I want her to have all those things to help her if I'm not in the picture.  I hope like hell it doesn't shake out that way, but I gotta prepare for that possibility.  "I'd really like to kiss you, you know." No problem there.  I'll even kiss you first, darlin'.  Love the taste of you, Marie, the feel of you.  Nothin' like it in the whole world.  Can feel her hands on me already  I think I was right, I think she liked the way we made love the first time and she wants a coupla more times with me before it's all over.  I wanna make this one good for her.  Never want her to regret these times between us, not even a little.  "Should I - it's kind of small back here."  Blushin' to beat the band.  Don't worry.  I got a few ideas.  "How 'bout like this?"  I'll just shift her to straddle me, let her be on top.  Sittin' up like this, her on top - that'll be the most comfortable for her.  "I, um, I don't really know what to do, ah, on top."  "I'll show ya.  You'll do just fine."  If she keeps blushin' there ain't gonna be much more talkin' here.  "Can I unbutton you?"  Noddin'.  She's got this soft angora sweater on, the kinda transparent kind that she wears a tank top underneath.  Just gonna bring that up over her head after I get the sweater off, and then I'll unclasp her bra.  She wears plain cotton bras, white, and I don't think I've ever seen anythin' sexier in my whole life.  "You're beautiful, darlin'.  So beautiful."  Shaky smile and a blush.  I can tell she don't really believe it when I say things like that.  Don't blame her.  Didn't exactly act like she was the most beautiful, precious thing in my life by goin' off and hookin' up with Jeannie.  I'm tryin' real hard to act like it now, but still.... "It's getting a little cold in here." "I'll keep you warm, baby."  More kisses.  I know she loves to kiss.  Mmmm...there go her little fingers workin' at my shirt buttons.  She touches me so gentle when we're together, real tender.  Makes me think she must feel somethin' for me still, but then I remind myself that even if she does, it's probably not enough to make her give up her pride, not enough to make her stick with some asshole who rejected her.  I just gotta make sure that this part, her gettin' what she needs outta me  I gotta make sure it's OK for her, and with no regrets.  Gotta make it good for her, at least.  Those tiny hands are movin' to my big belt buckle now, and her mouth hasn't left mine, but I think I gotta pull back a little.  A - I'm gettin' a little too carried away, too fast, and B - the sight of her pale fingers slidin' over the shiny, cold metal of my belt buckle is one of the most erotic damn things I've ever seen.  God, baby, yes, take it off.  "Is this OK?  Am I going too fast?" "No."  Can barely get that out.  Gonna help her get my jeans off, then her skirt and tights are gonna go.  I can smell how much she wants me - gotta remember that scent. Reachin' between us to stroke me a bit - no need there, darlin'.  I was ready from the moment you climbed on toppa me.  But it sure feels good, baby.  You touch me like I'm someone you love, like I'm someone that matters to you, maybe more than anythin'.  No one's ever touched me that way, not even close.  Love you, Marie.  And I needta touch you too, darlin'.  "Oh, Logan.." Yeah, that's the spot.  Not gonna spend too much time on preliminaries this time.  I can tell she wantsta move things along a little bit faster.  Just a few more moments of touchin', and then I'll shift her to where she needsta be.  "Ready, baby?" "Mmm-hmmm."  Look at those big eyes, so fulla trust for me.  I dunno how she can even do that, with how bad I hurt her, but I'm so thankful that look is on her.  I'll just scoot her a bit  there.  There.  She can feel me and she can decide when and how much to take me in.  "I - I... " "Yeah, darlin'?" "Nothing."  Breaks my heart to see that sad look and I wish - umph.  Good, God, that felt like heaven.  She sunk right down on me, all at once.  "Mph." "You OK?"  That was damn good for me, but maybe it wasn't such a bright idea for her.  She's still so tight and she's not usedta this.  "Marie?" "I'm OK."  I dunno, she - oh!  Damn!  Movin' nice and steady there, rockin' with one helluva good rhythm.  "Is that good?" "Y-yes"  Good doesn't even begin to cover it, baby.  "God, Marie." "Logan..."  The time for any kinda talkin' is over.  From here on out, it'll be moans and sighs and a few growls from me.  Gonna just - gonna just touch her while she keeps goin', just gonna make sure she's feelin' as good as I am.  "Oh..." I watched her a lot the last time we were together.  Could hardly take my eyes offa her.  Same this time - all that loose, wavy hair, the way her arms grip me, seein' the muscles in her back ripple as she moves - how could anyone look away from that?  She's the only one, you know.  The only one I've ever really looked at durin' sex.  Closed my eyes with everyone else.  Didn't wanna see, just wanted to get off.  With her, I can't get enough of lookin', can't get enough of drinkin' the sight of her in. "Logan...I'm close"  I know, baby, I know. "Whenever you want, Marie.  Whenever you want."  I can hold out - barely.  Go on, darlin', go faster, harder, whatever you need, however you want it, just, please...  "Ohhh!  Logan!"  Yes, yes, yes, that's it!  Yes, call my name!  "Logan!"  Yes, baby, yes!  "Unnnh!!  Marie!!  God!!"   "Oh, Logan..."  All limp in my arms now, and God, I'm still catchin' my breath.  Both times it was so powerful, so consumin', so - so *right*, so epic.  "I love you, Marie."  Not the first time I've said it, and I know she won't say it back, she can't.  I know it unsettles her a lot to hear it, but I still think I should say it.  I just - I don't wanna have her look back on this and think - that asshole, he didn't even tell me he loved me when he fucked me.  Can't have her thinkin' that.  "That was so good" "For me too, darlin'.  It was perfect."  Just like everythin' you do, just like everythin' you are.  You're probably the only perfect thing I'll ever have in my life.  "I'm so glad I can - that we can touch this way.  I'm so glad I learned to touch so we could do this."  Whoa - she said that glad but with a healthy dose of sad, and I wonder if she's thinkin' this never woulda happened between us if she hadn't gotten control.  "We coulda done this even if you couldn't control it, Marie.  We'd have just - we'd have been careful, that's all.  I wouldn't miss out on this for anythin'."  Dammit, that was all wrong, somehow.  She's pullin' away from me and getting' the blanket in the back compartment, wrappin' herself all up in it.  "Marie?" "You don't have to say that."  Just an empty little whisper.  "I'd rather that you didn't lie to me, even if it hurts my feelings, OK?  I know how things are." "No, baby, I don't think you do."  Just a little huff and a frown and now she's wrappin' that blanket all around her, tight.  "It wouldnta mattered to me, Marie.  Not a bit." Now that was a mad huff.  "Right." "That *is* right." "Is that why you ran as fast as you could to Jean after you felt what it was like to have to kiss me with the scarf?"  Shit.  *Shit!*  That's what she's been thinkin' all this time?  That it wasn't me bein' scared of a relationship, it was me not likin' that kiss?  "You know what... I - I shouldn't have said that.  I'm sorry.  Just forget it, OK?" "No."  God, now she's gonna cry.  I gotta say somethin' to make it better, and quick.  "I liked that kiss.  Up until that point in my life, it was the best kiss I ever had.  I just - I thought you knew that I fucked everythin' up and took after Jeannie 'cause I was scared of all the  all the stuff I felt for you and scared that I'd hurt ya if we...if we - God, Marie, it was never that I didn't like that kiss.  Baby, please believe me." "OK."  "Marie." "It's OK, I believe you."  Now she is cryin' and you don't hafta have my senses to tell that those words ain't true.  Shit!  I dunno how to fix it.  I just dunno how to fix it.  Gotta think of somethin'.  Gotta...  "Turn it on." "What?" "Turn it on, Marie.  Flip the switch."  All this time she's been thinkin' wrong things - well, I know a way to prove to her those ain't so.  "Go on, do it." "No, Logan, no.  Don't you realize how dangerous... I - I could hurt you and you're - we're both naked and... " "Turn it on.  For me.  Trust me, Marie, just one more time.  Please.  Just one more time."  Wide eyes lookin' at me and  yeah, she did it, I can tell by her expression.  It's on.  Whew.  Thank God.  "C'mere."  Gonna take her in my arms, press her nice and tight to me.  Fold her all up, hold her real close.  The blanket'll protect my skin and her hair, that'll cover the rest.  Oh, baby, it's OK.  It's OK now, I gotcha.  "C-careful, Logan."  "Always."  Gonna cradle her in my arms, kiss her hair and take some of it down to cover her cheek, then her lips.  Gonna kiss her nice and soft, gentle, like that first time.  Gonna make her see that it's OK, that her skin - it ain't the thing that came between us.  No, darlin', it wasn't you.  It was all me.  "Love you, Marie.  Always.  Like this, with it on, and with it off.  It's you, baby.  I love you."  There it goes, that's the dam breakin'  big, heavin' sobs and cryin' to beat the band.  Somethin' inside her just let go and this - this is what she needed.  I can feel somethin' unwindin' in me too, easin' up.  It's almost like  whatever happens now, at least I gave her this.  I gave her somethin' she needed to heal, somethin' she needed to lift some of the sadness outta her.  I can live with her leavin' me if I know she at least got what she really needed, what she craved, from me.  Well, I can almost live with it, and that's a helluva lot better than I have been doin'.  "S-sorry, sorryyyy." "It's OK, baby.  Shhh."  Just gonna hold her here, let her feel me lovin' her, takin' care of her, with her skin on.  She needs that, a lot of it, and God, I'm glad I figured that out.  You just let it sink in, Marie.  You just get what you need.  Mmmm. Cold.  Real cold.  But warm on top.  That's weird.  I'll just take a peek and whoa.  Marie, lookin' right at me, eyes wide open.  "Hello, darlin'."  That's right, I fell asleep naked and with her all wrapped up in the blanket.  "You're cold."  Touchin' me with bare skin - she musta turned it off somewhere along the line.  "I'm OK.  How're you doin'?"  No answer, but she's shruggin' outta the blanket and wrappin' it around me too.  "You're really cold."  Layin' her head down on my shoulder, snugglin' up to me. "I'm OK, baby."  I'm definitely OK when you're close with me like this.  "If you want, you can grab the sleepin' bag in back, throw it over us."  Yeah, she's gonna do that.  Rain musta turned to snow somewhere along the way 'cause now all the windows are white.  First snow - Marie always likes the first snow of the season.  "It snowed." "Yeah.  I was watching it come down for a while."  "How long have you been up?" "About an hour."  Cuddlin' us both up in that big sleepin' bag  that's definitely better, warmer.  "Shoulda woken me up.  Here I am, snoozin' on ya."  And missin' some prime Marie-holdin' time.  "I couldn't believe you fell asleep." "Aw, sorry, baby, I - " "No, I mean... I couldn't believe you fell asleep with my skin turned on and with me so close to - to all your naked skin." "I like you close to as much of my naked skin as possible."  Heh.  Slipped out.  "Always feel comfortable, felt the best with you right close to me."  She's not gonna say nothin' to that, but she's huggin' me tighter.  "It's off now." "OK."  Whatever.  I gotcha right here and either way, I wanna keep ya close. "I really wish you hadn't gone after Jean." "Me too.  I fucked up.  I'm so sorry."  I've told her that before, but she's never said anythin' about it before, or even responded to when I say I'm sorry, let alone initiated conversation on the topic. "I know.  But it still hurts." "I love you.  You're the only one I've ever said those words to, Marie.  I didn't - I wasn't in love with her.  I used her, and that was wrong.  I fucked up." "Logan, how do I - how do I know that you won't do it again?  Maybe with Jean or maybe with someone else.  How do I know you won't do it again if you get scared?" "'Cause I figured out that losin' you and hurtin' you scares me more than anythin'.  I'm a thick-headed bastard, but that finally got through when I saw how you were hurtin' after the thing with Jeannie.  I guess... I guess some part of me thought I was givin' you an out, that you didn't really wanna be with me or love me, and you'd figure that out sooner or later.  Part of me was thinkin' that sooner was better and that the way I could do that was by goin' after Jeannie.  I fucked up.  That's not how it was at all. I was just hurtin' you.  I figured that out and I don't wanna do anythin' at all to hurt you again." "But you probably will.  Maybe never a - a big thing, but little things.  It's inevitable when two people are together." "I guess you're right."  That's my Marie, always sensible.  She's got the better head outta us two, no question.  "But I can promise that I won't try to hurt ya.  I won't ever do anythin' on purpose just to hurt ya, or that I know would hurt ya.  I can do that, I can promise that."  "OK."  Is that it?  Conversation over?  'Cause I thought we were really...  "I  I love you, you know."  Whoa.  Speechless.  Breathless.  Never thought -  "I still do, and I want - I think I want to be together, you and me, having a - a thing."  "Relationship?" "If you want."  Serious eyes on her.  Poundin' heart.  God, baby, I never thought.... "More than anythin'."  Gotta seal that one with a kiss.  "Love you, Marie." "I love you too."  Twice in one day.  God, it's a good fuckin' day.  "Let's... can we, um, you know - again?" Yes, darlin'.  We can 'you know' all you want, baby.  It's a spectacular fuckin' day.  "Absolutely."  Now there's a smile, a genuine one, a carefree one.  Maybe - maybe there's hope of workin' this all out after all.  Maybe we just needed to - I just needed to figure out what she really needed to mend her heart a little.  Maybe it won't work out  'cause I can tell that even if she's light and happy now, the bad memories could still come back, and Lord knows I can't rule out another fuck-up on my part no matter how hard I try, but maybe there's a chance after all.  I could live with that.  I could live with that, real easy.