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Title: Progress God, I'm gonna go outta my mind. I swear, I am. She's been gone five hours – *five hours*. What the hell could she be shoppin' for, for five hours? Somethin' went wrong, I just know it. I shoulda never let her go shoppin' with the girls. First time she's really been alone with Jeannie since – well, since ever. It wasn't like they were friends before I went and screwed Jean. God, what I wouldn't give to take *that* all back. "And how are you this fine post-holiday morning?" Hank – good; he's probably the one guy in this place that won't irritate the livin' shit outta me. He's been a good friend to me, and to Marie. Hell, if it weren't for his good advice, I dunno if I ever woulda gotten Marie to forgive me, to start datin' me. "Shitty, Hank. Marie's out shoppin' and Jeannie went with the girls too. Marie. And Jeannie. Shoppin'. Together." "Ah….." See? He gets it. Smart guy. "I had heard that Ororo had invited Jean along in an effort to mend fences a bit. I hope all is going well." "They've been gone five hours – somethin' hasta be wrong." Just a frown from big blue. "I mean it, Hank – what if Marie got upset or what if Jeannie said somethin' stupid or what if – " 'Logan, my friend, you will drive yourself crazy with suppositions. Five hours, believe it or not, is not an inordinate amount of time to spend shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. I am sure they are both immersed in retail consumption." I know that was supposedta be reassurin', but it just didn't cut it. I gotta ask him somethin'. And I don't usually ask people things like this, not other guys especially, but Hank'll probably actually know the answer to the question. "Hank, do ya think Marie's happy? You know, with me." Not answerin' right away. Hell, that can't be a good sign. "I think she can be, if all continues to progress well between the two of you." Dammit. I knew it. That's why she's been so hard to get close to, so distant sometimes. I'm not makin' her happy. I'm doin' somethin' wrong. "Logan – she was deeply hurt by your affair with Jean. It will take some time to repair things with her, to heal the wound all the way through, as it were. But she seems pleased to be with you and I know she loves you very much." "You don't know how often I wish I never woulda laid a hand on Jeannie." Oh-oh. I know that look. Ya know, this morning's just goin' from bad to worse. Hank's definitely wearin' the 'I dunno if I should tell the clueless bastard this, 'cause he might shove a claw up my ass, but maybe he oughta know' look. I've seen that look on him way too many damn times in the course of this whole Jean/Marie mess. "What?" Big sigh – he's gonna tell me, though, I can feel it. "Has it ever occurred to you that the simple fact of you sleeping with Jean was perhaps not the most hurtful part?" "No." Another frown. But I can't imagine - "What was, then?" "Logan, she told you she loved you right before you and Jean left together. Do you not think that, perhaps, is a factor?" "But I talked to her, and I told her that it just freaked me out, that I just panicked and that's why I – " Oh, shit. Oh, *shit*! "She thinks I went to Jeannie 'cause I didn't want her to love me or somethin', doesn't she?" Noddin'. "Aw, fuck, Hank, why didn't ya tell me this before?" It's been a little over a year that me and Marie have been together and the big fuzzball never said a peep. "I do not wish to meddle in your relationship. Both – both you and Marie honor me by sharing your confidences, and I would not wish to betray those. And, things have been going well between the two of you. You are working things out on your own, which is the best manner of resolving these kind of issues." "Then why tell me now?" "Because it seems that there are some things that have entirely escaped your notice and, well, it would be my wish to make things less painful for Marie. I do not think it would be easy for her to tell you these things herself." Translation from the Hank-talk – you're too fuckin' dumb to ever catch on and it'd torture and embarrass the hell outta one of my best damn friends if she hadta clue you in herself. "Logan, she was devastated by you running from her, much more so than by you sleeping with Jean. It is true that Marie feels herself lacking in comparison with Jean, but it is my hypothesis that those feelings are rooted in her perception that you chose a brief, ultimately unfulfilling fling with Jean over the offer of her love. It is not as though she imagines you love Jean; quite the contrary. The best that Marie could offer you, the whole of her entire being, was worth less in your eyes than a weekend of lustful, yet still emotionally empty, sex with Jean. You can imagine why that would shake Marie's self-esteem." Goddammit, I didn't see it that way, not at all. I always thought it was jealousy, and yeah, feelin' rejected, but not like that. I always figured she thought I think Jeannie's prettier, more experienced, touchable, or somethin' – I mean – aw, I dunno what the hell I mean. I am a dumbass. Of course Marie thinks I think Jeannie's better. To her, that's what I was sayin' when I ran off after she said she loved me. Aw, fuck……. No amount of tellin' Marie she's pretty or hot is gonna fix that. No wonder she never says she loves me first. No wonder I always gotta say it first, sometimes a coupla times, before she says it back. Aw, *fuck*……….. "So what do I do to fix it?" "I am sorry to say that I have no magic formula. Logan, you must remember that you are her first love, and that – " "Only. I wanna be the only one for her, Hank." "Forgive me if I tell you that that is quite a hypocritical attitude. You have elected not to give her the same luxury, and in a very hurtful way." Whoa, a little heat there - sharp tone. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think big blue here might have some feelin's for Marie himself. "As I was saying, try to remember that, although she is a splendid young woman, she is still very young. You are her first love and how you treat her will determine much about what she deems acceptable and desirable treatment in all manner of other relationships down the road. Take care with her, Logan. That is the best and, sadly, only advice I can offer you on how to 'fix' this." "You don't think I can fix it, do ya? Not really, not for good. What you said 'bout the wound healin' all the way through – you think that I've left a scar on Marie, dontcha?" "Not exactly. I do not know if it can be fixed. I think that, perhaps, even if you do everything perfectly, even if you be, do, and say exactly what Marie needs, she may still carry a scar. She and I – we are very alike in some ways. If Kitty were to ever do such a thing to me, I am not sure that I could ever get over it completely. Oh, I would forgive her, without question. But staying with her, loving her – I am not sure I could give myself wholeheartedly to that endeavor. Even if I did stay, I am not sure I would ever be truly happy. Some things, Logan, one does not recover from completely. I hope that this is not the case for Marie." "Hmph." Well, can't fault the guy for layin' it out on the table for me. Actually, I should probably thank him for that. "Thanks - thanks, Hank." Ya know, he's probably the only person here – well, besides Marie – who gives it to me straight, whether I like it or not. Definitely don't like hearin' this shit, but I think he's right, and I gotta respect the man for tellin' me. He is a good friend, even when he's kinda chewin' my ass out. Maybe 'specially when he's chewin' my ass out. "You are welcome. And try not to worry – they should return soon. I am certain that all that is taking place is a little shopping." Yeah, shoppin'. And it might not be a bad idea if they take a little time. I gotta figure some things out. Well, we've been sitting here eyeballing each other for almost five minutes now. I guess I should say something. "What kind did you get?" There, that wasn't so hard. Talking to Jean – accomplished. "Oh, ah, butter pecan. How about you?" "Peanut butter chocolate." "Sounds good." "It is. How's yours?" "Very good." And there's the conversation grinding to a halt. Well, I can't really think of anything else to say. I guess we're in for another silent stretch. God, why did Kitty and 'Ro have to go off to the shoe store with Jubes? "You know, I've been, ah, meaning to apologize for – for – " "It's not your fault." OK, that just popped out. But it's not, not really. I mean – who wouldn't want to be with Logan if they had the chance? But, on the other hand – I hate that she didn't really love him while she had him. I know it was only a weekend, but still. Logan deserves to be loved, really loved. And I hate that she hurt Scott. I really hate that. "I mean – I guess it's not all your fault." "I don't love Logan." Yes, I'm painfully aware of that, Jean. "I – I really do love Scott. I just don't know what I was thinking. I just –" "I don't really want to talk about it, OK?" Talking about it will only lead to me crying and I'd really rather not cry in front of Jean. It might also lead to me smacking her and I'm sure the other food court patrons wouldn't like that. "Maybe – maybe we *should* talk about it. I'd really like for us to be friends, Marie." 'We weren't friends before." There's that grinding halt to the conversation again. God, I don't know what to say, I just don't. "Look, I don't mean to be difficult." That's what she calls the little kids when they misbehave, 'difficult,' and I bet that's what she's thinking about me now, but I meant it, I really don't mean to be. "I just don't want to talk about it." "It might be better if you talk about how you feel. You know, get it out. Scream, cry, yell at me……" A little joking, but I'm not finding it funny. "Um, or not, I guess." I know she's as uncomfortable as I am, but I really - *really* - don't want to share any of my feelings with her. I don't like her. I don't trust her. Why on earth I would want to be friends with her or she with me, I can't fathom. We're civil to each other, polite – isn't that enough? "I guess I just wanted you to know I regret hurting you, and Scott, and Logan. I regret it and I'm sorry." "Why?" Oh, God, I've really got to put a lid on this popping out thing. But now that it's out there…. "I don't mean to be rude, but – why? You got what you wanted out of it." "Not really. I was running away from what I really wanted. Scott really loved me – and that really scared me. I – I know it might be hard for you to believe, but for a long time, I felt completely unlovable because of my mutation. I was 'crazy Jean' and people generally stayed as far away from me as they could get. But Scott – Scott was different. He saw through me and saw the worst in me and loved me anyway. It just seemed too good to be true, and I know it doesn't make any sense, but it scared me that he really, really did love me. That he wanted to marry me just blew my mind. I – I was running away from all that, and I would give anything to do things over, to do them differently." "But Scott still loves you." He does – he's still with her, still engaged to her, still asking her to set a date and finally get married. He loved her enough to forgive her. She didn't lose that, and if anything, he loves her more now. I don't understand it, but I really think he does. So – why should she regret that? "It's not the same. He………he loves me, but I don't know if I can ever convince him that I love him the same way." Oh my God, she's crying. I don't think I've ever seen her cry. I didn't think she did, or could. "Every time he looks at me, there's this hurt all over him, and – and he won't mind link with me anymore. I – please don't tell anyone that. I'm so ashamed. Please don't tell anyone that." "I won't." "Thanks. Um, sorry about the crying thing." "No problem." I'm still trying to get my mind around the idea that she really gives a damn if Scott is happy, if he feels loved. I'm so used to thinking of her as the epitome of selfishness – it's hard to process, but I think she's being really honest with me here. "I'm sorry it's – I'm sorry it's hard." Sounds lame, even to me, but I can't find the right words. "I'm glad you and Logan are doing better. I'm glad you – you found a way to take him back. I know it would've just killed him if he'd lost you. He loves you so much, Marie, so much." Now I *really* don't know what to say. "Um, anyway, I – thanks for letting me talk a bit. I know what you mean about being friends and I don't want to push that, but I really do like you, you know, as a person, and maybe we can be friends one day." "Maybe." I don't know if I can say that I like her, exactly, but I like her a lot more than I did when I got up this morning. "Hello, dearest." I never tire of being greeted by her warm smile. Talking with Logan today has made me appreciate what I have with Katherine doubly so. "I am glad you have returned." And Logan will be positively overjoyed that Rogue has returned. "How was the shopping?" "OK. I found a few presents." "Any for me?" Ah, that warm smile is turning impish. I would wager she did find something for me. "Not telling." "Ah, well. Would a kiss persuade you?" I am still unused to offering Kitty my affections. It is simply something that I cannot fathom – having a woman who so readily accepts them, even delights in them. For so many years, I thought that would be an impossibility. It is something I never fail to be thankful for. "A kiss? That's cheating. You know I'm putty in your hands." Even though I know she is teasing, joking, it makes my heart tighten to hear those words. "I believe you have that in reverse, my love." "You were saying something about kissing?" Yes, I was. And I shall make no further deliberations. I shall do so immediately. "Mmmm….." "Are you inclined to divulge your shopping details now?" The way her eyes sparkle after we kiss – I can never refrain from touching her lovely hair, stroking her cheek. She is very precious to me. Although I do not doubt that Logan loves Rogue, and Jean, Scott, I often wonder if they *cherish* their mates. I cannot imagine them feeling anything like what I feel and still proceeding to do what they have done. I simply cannot imagine it. "Shopping! Oh! I forgot to tell you – Jean and Rogue had a talk. Alone. I think they talked about…..things." "Really?" Surprising, a bit, but that was part of the purpose of the outing – and perhaps it will help both parties. "How did it go?" "It was kind of hard to tell. Rogue looked all 'thinky' and Jean looked kind of sad. I don't think Rogue bitched her out or anything though. I don't know, but it can't be a bad sign that they talked and lived to tell about it, right?" "Thinky?" I admit, at first our age difference troubled me, but now I find the few times that Kitty actually acts her age quite endearing. "You know what I mean." "Pensive?" Perhaps I shall intersperse my vocabulary suggestions with more kisses. I have, after all, not yet found out what she has secured for my Christmas present. "Thoughtful?" Delicious lips. "Contemplative?" Warm lips. "Introspective?" Moist lips. "Reflective?" Tender-skinned neck. "God….." Unfair of me, I know. That neck is a sensitive spot. "Hank….." "Yes, my love?" "You. Me. Bed. Now." My Katherine – sometimes I prefer it when she is a woman of few words. I can be a man of few words too, when it is called for. "Yes." "Hey." Three little letters, one little word, but I've never been so damn happy to hear it. Means at least she *came* back, at least she's still talkin' to me. So, Logan, don't be an idiot – talk back. "Hey. How'd it go?" There. Vague enough question that she don't hafta talk about Jeannie if she doesn't wanna. "OK. I, um, had kind of an interesting talk with Jean." Shit. "She, ah, apologized for what happened between the two of you and said she wanted to be friends. It was……interesting." OK, Logan, think. Use the brain. She smells nervous and she's all fidgety. She's not makin' eye contact. Somethin's up, somethin' more than what she's tellin' me. "Are you OK?" "Yeah." Whew – there's a smile. "It's just – I was thinking a lot about what Jean said, about her reasons for – well, you know. I guess I just thought……I didn't think there was a lot of emotional stuff involved there. I guess I thought she was just, I don't know, lusting after you. But, really, there's this whole complex emotional thing going on with her." I dunno if that's good news or bad news. Dunno why, exactly, she's tellin' me this. "Not that – not that that makes everything OK, but I guess…..oh, never mind. I don't know. I'm fine. Shopping was good." "Marie – " "You would've hated it – it was soooo crowded, and everyone was pushy and – " "Marie – " " – and rude and – " "Marie, please." Please talk to me, baby. Please. She's – she's lookin' me in the eye now. I think she is gonna say somethin', say what's on her mind. "I guess I never thought that maybe that's what it was like for you too." "Like what? What did Jeannie say it was like?" "She said she was afraid. She said she was afraid of Scott loving her so much and so good. It wasn't – it didn't seem like for her it was because she – for her it wasn't because Scott wasn't what she really wanted." "You're what I really want." No beatin' around the bush. Hank was right. Gotta try to fix it. "Always have been." I think she's takin' that OK. She's comin' closer to me, lookin' up at me with those gorgeous eyes. "I – do I scare you?" "Sometimes." Shit! That came out wrong. Think, then talk, dumbass. "I mean – " "It's OK. Tell me how. Tell me how I scare you." "You're still here." So much for the thinkin' before talkin' thing. "You're still with me even though I hurt you, a lot, probably more than I'll ever really realize – and that's another thing. You hide it from me. You try not to let me see that you're hurtin' and you – you never throw it in my face. And you're still here. I mean, not just after puttin' ya outta my trailer and the claws and stabbin' ya and failin' you on that train and leavin' to look for my past and then when I came back and you – and we – oh, God, Marie…." Listen to me – not makin' any damn sense, throat so tight I can't even get the words out. I am one sorry son of a bitch. I have no idea why the hell she *is* still with me, and I probably just reminded her of a ton of reasons why she shouldn't be. Great. Good job, Logan. Real good job. "I just – I dunno what I'm sayin'. I'm tryin' to say that – that, yeah, you scare me. You scare me 'cause you stick by me even when I hurt ya. Dunno – don't think I deserve that kinda love, and it scares the shit outta me to get it." Just lookin' up at me still. "I love you a lot too, you know?" That just sounded lame. Dammit. "I know." Little smile. But she smells off somehow now. "I don't wanna lose you." "Really?" "Yeah." I can sure as hell see how it might look otherwise, darlin', but I swear to God I don't wanna lose you. "Sometimes – sometimes I think you do love me, but you feel like you can't get rid of me, like you're obligated or something and you'd really rather – " "No." Please, baby, you're breakin' my heart here. "It's OK. I – I think we should talk about these things. We're probably overdue for a real talk about these things. I, um, I think we should talk, OK?" "OK." She wantsta talk, we can. But I wanna be sure to get some things out first. "I love you, I don't wanna lose you. Never. Never think of you as anythin' but a gift, a miracle – not – not some damn obligation, Marie. Never that. I know I've acted – I know it probably looks like I am tryin' to push you away and I guess I was, with Jeannie, but, darlin', not 'cause I didn't want you. 'Cause I was scared. 'Cause I didn't know – I wasn't sure I could take it, you know? Havin' somethin' good. I wasn't sure. I – I love you and I want you more than anythin', but I don't feel like I deserve you. I feel like if I get somethin' that good in my life, I gotta wait for the other shoe to drop, for you to up and leave me one day or – or for somethin' bad to happen. That's just how my life is. Not too damn many good things happen." "Not too many good things happen in my life either. There's pretty much just you." Don't think I'm gonna be able to get anythin' past the damn lump in my throat now. "I guess you're right when you said I try not to show how much it hurt me. And it did – it hurt me a lot. I still think sometimes that – that it'll never get all better, that it'll always hurt. I don't know – maybe it will, a little. But it's worth it, to be with you. It's completely worth it to be with you. And I know I've hurt you too." "Never." "Yes, I have – with my skin, and by- by not talking sometimes and by – " "Never, OK? Never." Gotta grab her, hold her, make her understand. She don't hurt me. I hurt her. That's – that's how it's been, but that's not how it's gonna be anymore. "Oh, Logan……" "I mean it. I love you. You – you've been nothin' but good to me." "But – " "Please. Please. Just tell me you'll believe that, even if you never believe another word that comes outta my mouth. Please, Marie." God, lookin' up at me, eyes all fulla tears. Well, you wanted to talk about it, Logan – look what you did. Probably convinced her to – "OK. Let's – maybe let's take a break from talking. Maybe let's just go to bed for a while, OK?" "Bed?" "Mmm-hmm." Gentle kiss to my chest. Right over my heart. "I like it when – when we're together. I can feel how much you do want me then, especially then. Let's go to bed for a while." "Long as you want." That didn't even come out flirty or anythin'. You know – I know it's not all fixed, all worked out between us yet, but this was good. It hurt like fuckin' hell, but it was good. Progress. We made progress here. And I can make some more with Marie by showin' her how much I do want her, how much I do love her. God, progress – it ain't everythin', but I'll take it. |