Terri's Peep Hut ~~ Fiction Archive

Coming Out of the Dark

Title: Coming Out of the Dark

E-mail: xgrrl26@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody. Rats.

Archive: WRFA, Mutual Admiration, Peep Hut-anyone else please ask.

Feedback: Please? With a cherry on top? Good, bad, and ugly welcome..

Summary: Rogue has a very traumatic experience but finally emerges with a little help from Logan, who played a role in putting her there in the first place.

Comments: This was inspired by Karen's fic One Way Ticket on a Runaway Train (although you all won't know why for a little while ..), by Victoria's Off the Corner series (scarred HookerRogue!), and by the many, many Jean issues that lurk in the corners of my brain ;)

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It's been a while. Almost three weeks since the last time I tried talkin' to her. Don't really blame her for not wantin' to talk to me. Don't blame her at all. But she hasn't left the mansion yet, and maybe that says somethin', so I gotta keep tryin'. The last time-she almost talked back, I think. There was definitely somethin' there. I'm not givin' up, no way.

"Hey." The first few times, she'd just get up and leave as soon as she saw me comin'. Like I said, not that I blamed her, but that was real hard on me. Now, she usually stays put, but don't say nothin' back. Sometimes, she gives a little half-smile when I come over, and I like those times. This is one of those times. "I saw you out here and I was hopin' maybe we could talk a little." This is usually where she lets out the big sigh and shakes her head. But I think-yeah, she's thinkin' it over a little this time. Maybe it's been long enough. Eight months-that's long enough, right?

"What do you want to talk about?" Whoa. Whoa. She said somethin' to me. God, thank God.

"Whatever you want, whatever's on your mind. Whatever you wanna say or ask or anythin'-you-you-whatever you want." I don't really give a shit if she yells at me and starts hittin' me or even if she gets me with her skin. Just-somethin', anythin' would be better than nothin', and besides, I'd sure as hell deserve it.

"I'm really mad at you." She's cryin'. Now that-that's bad. I'd rather she take a swing at me, you know? I hate seein' her cry. On the other hand, maybe that's how she needs to get it all out. We're all alone out here. No one's gonna see or bother us or nothin'.

"I-I know. And I understand, Marie, I do. I deserve it."

"You kind of do. I know you didn't plan for things to turn out this way, but I counted on you to protect me, you know? I thought that came first with you."

"It did. It does. I just-I did somethin' stupid, and I forgot for a second that you-that you were most important. I'm so sorry for that, so sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know, Marie."

Just a shrug and more tears. "You're not the one with scars all over your body, your face. You're not the one who wakes up in pain every day."

"I'll touch you. I'll touch you and make it all better. Whatever you need, Marie, whatever-"

"I don't want that." Real cold. Dammit. "That's the last thing I'd want."

"I-I understand." I wish like hell it wasn't so, but I understand. I wish she'd be mad, you know, wanna touch me and suck out every last bit of life I got in revenge. At least that would heal her. And it'd put me outta my misery.

"No. No. Never. It was just-it was sex and it meant nothin' to me."

"You don't have to say that. In fact, I wish you wouldn't say it if it isn't true."

"It is true." I can't even stand to look at Jeannie now, not after what happened. Bein' tied up with her, fuckin' like dogs in the hangar while Marie was gettin' attacked-it makes me wanna vomit just thinkin' about it.

"She knew, you know."

"I know." Marie called out to her, telepathically. Jeannie says no, she never heard a cry for help, and at first, I thought that maybe that was true-maybe Marie called out, but Jeannie was so distracted that she never heard it. The way Jeannie's acted toward her since then-well, now I'm pretty sure Jeannie heard it loud and clear.

"I know you didn't know. I know that. I don't believe that even if you did love Jean, you'd ignore-" Too many tears. God, I wanna hold her. Bad. But I know she won't let me get anywhere near her.

I don't like the sound of that little sobbin' laugh there. "It's not really even your fault, not at all. I'm just mad that you weren't there, even if you didn't have any way to know what was happening to me. I'm just mad that you chose Jean over me. Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?"

"It does to me." Another shrug. "It's never gonna happen again." Every mission since then, I've stuck right by her. Saved her life a coupla times. She still wouldn't talk to me. Every day, I follow her, watch over her, just in case. I don't know if it matters to her or not, but I know I gotta do it. I don't think I can live through somethin' like that again. I gotta be there for her, no matter what.

"I can't count on that, Logan." The way she smiles when she's sad-it's almost more heart-breakin' than the tears. Especially with those big red scars runnin' down her cheek. Hank said that those aren't the ones that hurt her, they just look bad. The ones on her back, the way the scar tissue formed-those're the ones that'll hurt pretty good for the rest of her life. Those're the ones that might cause nerve and muscle damage. Those're the ones she goes through hours of really painful physical therapy for every week. Those're the ones that Sabretooth got in while I was pullin' my pants up in the hangar. Those're the ones that made her scream for me to help her. "I can't trust that."

"OK." I'm still gonna do it anyway, even if she never really does count on me again. I gotta. "But I wanna-tell me what to do to make it better. I know I can't make up for it, but is there anythin' I can do to make it better, anythin' at all?" Whatever she says, I'll do. I can't live like this much longer.

"Stop hovering over me. Stop-stop trying to make it up to me. Stop pretending that you don't want to be with Jean and stop acting like I still matter to you. You're only doing those things to ease your own conscience, Logan, it doesn't have anything to do with me and it doesn't matter to me, so just stop it." Well, I asked.

"You're right. I feel like shit and part of why I do stick close to you is 'cause I don't wanna feel any worse. I don't want anythin' else to ever happen to ya. But it's mostly 'cause you do matter to me, more than anythin' else in the world."

"Why? I'm irrational, mad at you for something that I shouldn't be, and ugly as sin."

"Don't say that." Hank said all these big words that basically amounted to Marie doesn't like herself and the scars ain't helpin'. Everybody else loves her-well, with the exception of Jeannie-so I dunno why that is. I mean, she's like the definition of desirable, of lovable.

"It's true. It's all true. Logan, just-just leave me alone. Don't make yourself some big, dramatic martyr because you feel guilty that you were screwing Jean when I needed you. It's not your fault, OK? I officially forgive you, so just stop it." She's not even mad when she says all that, just-just exhausted or somethin'.

"Listen to me, Marie. I don't wanna be with Jean. I mighta lusted after her or whatever, but after what she did-do you think that I could ever want to be with her now? You know that even the Professor is pissed at her, still. Scott can't stand her and neither can Hank, Remy, or any of the other x-men. Storm-she don't even speak to her any more. Nobody wants her, me included."

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. If you loved her-maybe at least if you got what you wanted, I'd feel better."

"Please, darlin', let me touch you." I couldn't help that. Just popped out.

"No." Shit. Shit, she's standin' up and gettin' ready to go.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that, OK? I know you said no, and I'm sorry I asked again."

"I couldn't take that, Logan. I don't want-having those memories in my head, constantly seeing you and Jean and knowing what Sabretooth was doing to me while you two were-it's more than I can handle. It would break me. I can't-I can't-I can deal with the nightmares and the anger and all that, but I can't ever, ever let you touch me again. I can't ever let you anywhere near me, not close enough to touch, I can't take the chance. It would break me for good."

"Marie" Oh, God, what did I do? God, please..

"Is he going to be all right?"

"I don't know. He is-his spine is the only thing keeping him together at the moment. He was almost cut in half. There has been so much blood loss and there isn't a heart beat-I don't know."

Marie? Is that-is she OK? She's gotta be OK. "Mmmmmmmm.."

"Hank! Hank, come quick! I think he's waking up!"

"Mmmmmmmmmm" Why can't I open my eyes right? I gotta see if she's OK. She coulda been killed by that sentinel and I think I got in fronta the bastard in time, but-but-

"Don't try to talk, OK? Can you-can you feel me? I'm holding your hand."

Well, that hasta mean she's OK, right? She wouldn't be sittin' with me and holdin' my hand if she wasn't at least reasonably OK. Wish like hell I could open my eyes.

"Yes, I'm right here. It's OK. You're going to be OK." She really is holdin' my hand. I can feel a little squeeze. She's OK. She's OK. She's OK

It's almost six. Marie time. She comes to see me first thing in the mornin', every day since I woke up, just for a few minutes. I know I shouldn't be glad that she's worried over me, but it means she cares, at least a little. I can't help bein' glad over that. And look, she's even smilin' at me a little. It's one of the sad smiles, but not the really, really sad ones, and that's progress, right?

"How are you feeling?" She comes over and sits beside me, but she don't hold my hand no more. Hank said she held it the whole four days I was out, hardly ever moved from my bedside.

"Better." I always say that 'cause I will be just fine, the mutation'll see to that, and I don't want her to worry too much.

"Good." It ain't like we have any big deep talks or anythin', but just knowin' that she makes a point of comin' to see me-well, that says a lot.

"How're you doin'?" I always say that too, 'cause I want her to know I give a shit about her. It's a small thing, but still.

"Fine." I think maybe she's doin' a little better. Hank, he said that she's still sad all the time, but she looks a little less sad than usual to me. Could be just wishful thinkin', I know, but-"I don't have class this morning and I was hoping we could talk a little, if you feel up to it."

"Sure. Sure. I'd like that." Talk-she wantsta talk to me. God, that's a real good sign.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking since-since you almost got killed." Aw, she tears up when she says that. She don't want me dead, she really don't, and that's a comfort, even if I don't like to see her cry. "And I've made a few decisions. Would-would you like to hear them?"

"Yeah." I'd like to hear anythin' you have to say, darlin', as long as you're willin' to talk to me.

"I, um, I know you risked your life to save mine, and I appreciate that. I want you to know that. I know that on other missions, I-I kind of was reckless or got myself into trouble and I think it was because I wanted to see if you'd try to save me or not, and because I didn't really care if you did or not. But I wasn't-I wasn't trying to get in trouble last time and I feel horrible that you were hurt so badly protecting me."

"Don't. That's what I wanna do, Marie. That's all I wanna do. I need to take care of you." She shouldn't feel bad, not at all. That's the way it should be. Wasn't that way one time 'cause of my fuck-up and I made her forget that it's what I do, take care of her. My life for hers-that's a good trade any day.

"I've had a really hard time dealing with what happened. And I don't-I don't feel like I - I know I've hurt you and I don't want to do that any more. It doesn't matter. What I feel, if I'm scared to trust you, it doesn't really matter to me any more. I just want to stop hurting you." Lotta tears. But she's got it all wrong. I'm the one that hurt her.

"Don't you worry 'bout hurtin' me, kid, I-I heal."

"Not from how I've been hurting you." That's true, but I can't let her-"I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want what happened to change me on the inside too. I didn't even realize what I was doing to you. I saw the look on your face when you saw me in trouble, and I just-"

"Hey, don't-don't cry, darlin'. It's all OK. It's fine, it's just fine." I didn't really mean to reach out for her like that, but look, she grabbed onto my hand. Shoulda asked Hank for gloves. She shouldn't be the one to always hafta wear 'em. "Don't you worry 'bout anythin', OK?"

Sad little nod there. "I decided that I was going to do things differently. I decided that I should just-just give you what you need, be what you need, and whatever that is-if-if you want me to love you, if you want me to be with you, whatever you want, I'll give it. Even if you still want Jean too, I can-"

"Marie, no, darlin'. No." God, she'd do it too. She looks so desperate right now. That's how I must look all the time. "All I want is to keep you safe and happy, darlin'. Marie, I'd never-I'd never take things from ya that you didn't wanna give. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I know you said-you said you can't count on that and I understand, but I'll always take care of ya. Always. If I was hurtin' it wasn't 'cause of anythin' you did, darlin', it was 'cause of my own fuck-ups. It's all on me. You don't have nothin' to make up for."

"I can't go on living with all of this, Logan, I can't. I don't know what else to do. I just-I don't know." God, lotsa cryin' now. I wanna hold her so bad.

"Would you wanna-if you wanted, you could come here and let me hold ya for a little while." I think she's gonna do it, but she looks like she's so sad about it. Just-just doin' it 'cause I said somethin' and not 'cause it's what she wants. Dammit, I-

"If you don't feel like it, I understand and I-" Oh. She's here. She's huggin' me, layin' her head down on my shoulder, where the hospital gown covers it. I can't help it, it feels so good, I just can't-I can't try to talk her outta this any more. "Marie."

"I won't ever hurt ya. I won't ever let ya get hurt." Feels like my world's tiltin' on the right axis again, holdin' her and makin' those promises.

"I don't know how to deal with everything and I'm scared."

"I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna take care of everythin', don't you worry. Nothin' bad's gonna happen to you ever again. My darlin'.."

"Do you promise?" Scared little whisper-woulda never heard it without my mutation.

"I promise." And I'm gonna do it right, I'm gonna keep that promise this time, I swear on her life, I will.

I wish I didn't hafta see this. I hate seein' her in pain and before, this was one of the few times I couldn't watch over her before-while she's doin' her physical therapy exercises. Hank bends her every which way to keep the nerves and muscles OK. I almost wish she hadn't said OK to me comin' today.

"Shit, Hank, you almost done?"

"Almost." He's talkin' to Marie. I know Hank thinks I'm pretty much an asshole and stupid on top of that. Not that I blame him. In fact, he's probably been the most decent one out of all of 'em to me since Marie got hurt in spite of that. He's even given me advice here and there-you know, don't scare her, she has to deal with it in her own time, don't push. He's just your basic good guy, and plus, I know he wantsta be nice to Marie. He's the first one, besides me, that Marie told her real name to, and I think they're pretty close friends now. "There. Marie, how was that?"

"Better." She's in a helluva lotta pain, I can tell, but she's smilin', so Hank don't feel too bad 'bout hurtin' her. Red hair and long legs don't have nothin' on somethin' like that. What the hell was I thinkin'? "It's a lot better than it was, even a few weeks ago."

"Well, I think that you are recovering quite nicely." Hank's been givin' me little sideways looks the whole time. Those looks that everybody gives me now that me and Marie are kinda together. Those looks that say, 'you better not fuck her over again, asshole.' It's OK. I get the same look from myself every mornin' in the mirror. "I am off to the lab. Have a good day, Marie." I don't think I like that he hugs her, but I kinda really can't complain there.

"Oh, yeah. It's worse than it looks. I mean, it looks worse than it is." Somethin's tellin' me she had it right the first time around. I can smell the pain comin' offa her still. "It's a lot better than it used to be. The first few times, Hank could only do a little bit, I was so-uh, never mind."

She don't wanna upset me, I know, but I realize it musta been real bad. This is what she's like after over eight months of therapy and it looks like it fuckin' hurts like hell. This is what she's been through because of me. This is what she chose, what she still finds preferable to me touchin' her. Eight months of pain and sufferin'. I gotta remember that, gotta remember how serious that is. "I'm just glad you're doin' OK."

"Yeah. It's coming along a lot better than even Hank thought it would." Hank told me that he tried convincin' her to touch me and fix it too. He never said anythin' beyond that, but I can tell by the way he hung his head when he said it that she musta said pretty much what she said to me. I don't think he ever asked twice after that, and I don't wanna ask either, no matter how much I wanna just fix it for her. She's gotta decide.

"If you're feelin' up to it, I was thinkin' we could go out for pizza." We usedta do that a lot, before. She doesn't leave the mansion much now. Hank says she's having a hard time adjusting to the visible scars. He says it's hard for her to be out in public where people stare and shit. Hank would know-he ain't exactly what you'd call a subtle mutant-and I think he's right about that.

"Come on, how long has it been since you've been to Gino's?" I know her friends took her out a few times over the past few months, once there.

"I." Lookin' down and shufflin' her feet. "OK. OK, I guess."

"Good. Good. You wanna go now?"

"I need to change clothes and maybe-maybe a shower?"

"Sure. Let's go on up." After I got outta the medlab, after I was all healed up, I did somethin' that I still think maybe I shouldnta. I know Marie wasn't ready for it, and probably didn't want it, and just ended up doin' it so as not to hurt me, but I asked her to move into my room. As God is my witness, I swear, I haven't laid a hand on her and I always look away when she's even a little bit naked. She has her own side of the room and her own bed and shit, so it's not really that much like livin' together. But I hadta have her close and I thought to myself-maybe she'll see that I really am gonna be there for her that way. Plus, I can be around her all the time and tell her good things. I even got a smile the other day when I told her how much I loved havin' her live with me. I think she feels OK about it now.

"I'll just be a minute."

"Take your time." I know she takes forever in the bathroom. It's a girl thing, and Marie is no different than your average nineteen year old in that way. She likes foofy, smelly things and makeup and hair contraptions.

"Are my socks out there?" Whoa. Whoa. Towel-wrapped Marie. Naked except for that little towel. Oh-oh. She saw me lookin'. Gotta not look. Gotta not look. "Oh, uh, sorry. I-I-didn't mean for the scars to-sorry." Huh?

"Marie?" I'm gonna look 'cause I can smell tears and I dunno what coulda made that happen unless she's scared I'm gonna pull somethin', which I'm not. Maybe I should tell her that, or-

"I know they're ugly." Backin' into the bathroom, hidin' behind the doorway a little. Shit, I get it now. "Sorry." She thinks that I looked away 'cause of that. She probably thinks I've been lookin' away 'cause of that.

"Hey." Just gonna go over there and clear this up. Gotta stifle thoughts of towel-wrapped Marie and just think about Marie who needs me. "It's OK. I ain't worried about seein' the scars, darlin', I just didn't wanna get a little too excited from seein' ya naked, that's all. I didn't wanna make you feel weird or anythin'."

"Who would get excited by seeing me naked?" Damn. Trembly lips and lookin' down at the tile floor and God, I'd give just about anythin' to kiss her right now, to make it all go away.

"Me. Pretty much any red-blooded buy at the mansion." Just shakin' her head no. "You're beautiful, darlin', dontcha know that?"

"Thanks. That's-that's nice of you to try to make me feel better, but I know-I know what I look like. They're all over."

Well, they are. On her back, shoulders, a few on her stomach, some on her legs. And I hate seein' 'em 'cause it reminds me of my own failure. I wasn't there to help her when he was holdin' her down and slashin' at her. I wasn't there, even though she was screamin' and beggin' for me to come and help her. But I can't-I can't see anythin' but beauty when I look at her. She's Marie. That's all there is to it. "Let me show you." I think she can trust me a little. I think she can trust me enough for this.

I'm not going to let myself get carried away. I'm just gonna touch her on the shoulders, run my hands over some of the scars to show her it don't make her ugly or some stupid thing like that. Just to show her I do wanna touch her, even if I can't, even if she's not ready for that. Maybe she needs to know I wanna even if she's not gonna do anythin' about it anytime soon. I always wear gloves now, and usually these, nice soft leather ones, just in case the chance to touch her ever did come along. "Y-you don't have to do this." Oh, but darlin', I do. 'Cause I gotta take care of you baby, all the time. And 'cause I can tell it's workin'. The tears stopped and the sad smell went away.

"I love you." I tell her that all the time and she don't say it back, but sometimes it makes her smile a little. Yeah, it's one of those 'I don't really believe you but thanks for bein' nice' smiles, but I'll take what I can get. I can still remember what it was like when she wouldn't even talk to me. "Do you know why? 'Cause you're the best thing ever, baby." That made her smile, really, really smile. OK, a little one and it was gone in a second, but it was a real smile. This is workin'. I'm gonna keep on touchin' her. "Do ya know how much it means to me that you're willin' to talk to me and do stuff with me again, even little stuff, even just sittin' together and watchin' TV or somethin'? It means a lot, and I was kinda stupid 'cause I didn't realize just how much until it was gone. But havin' you with me, well, that's everythin' right there." I'm not gushy by nature, but I feel all those things so strong and lettin' 'em out's makin' Marie happy. It is, I can tell. And that's the first thing that I've done to make her happy in so damn long..

"When you say it like that, I believe it." She took a step toward me, she did. Oh, darlin', c'mere. C'mere and let me hold ya. Just one more little step, baby. "I really want to believe it."

"You can." There. Got her. Got her in my arms. Feels so good and more than good, it feels *right*. Absolutely right.

"Touch me." Whoa. That's-that's-"Touch me, Logan, go ahead. Go ahead before I change my mind."

Now I know she's not sure, and I should probably wait a second and say some shit or try to make sure it's really, really what she wantsta do, but I've been dyin' to heal her, to make her stop hurtin', and I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna just do it, before she does change her mind. "OK, darlin'. I love you." Gonna make sure that's front and center in my head so she gets a lotta that. How much I love her, how much I wanna take care of her, how goddamn sorry I am that I fucked up and how I'm never gonna do it again. Just heal, baby, just take me in. No more pain, no more hurtin'. Just heal.

Ooof. Head hurts. I'm on the floor. But I think I'm OK. And I don't think I was out for long. "Marie?" She's not next to me-where-where'd she go? Oh, God, don't tell me there was somethin' bad in my head that came through or somethin' about Jeannie in there. I can't-God, I can't lose her, I can't-

"Logan?" Whew. Whew. She was in the bathroom. I fell out into the bedroom, and she was just standing on the other side of the doorway. Whew. "Are you all right?"

Oh. Oh, my. She's standin' over me stark naked. All the way naked. All Marie, nothin' else. That's one helluva view. "I'm real good." That got a smile, and now she's blushin', but she's not grabbin' to put anythin' on and-and-this must be either one helluva damn fine hallucination or-

"The scars-they're-they're almost all gone." Come on over here, darlin', that's right, kneel beside me where I can touch you. Naked you. "You healed them, Logan, look-they're gone."

"I love you." Couldn't keep myself from tellin' her that even if I wanted to and if it's gonna make her smile like that, I definitely don't wanna. In fact, I'm gonna do it again. "I love you, Marie."

"Oh, Logan." You know, she can knock me out all the time if it ends up with her layin' her head over my heart and bein' all naked. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"I didn't-you didn't get anythin' bad, didya?"

"Nothing. Not a thing. I just-I didn't know. I didn't know you really felt so-so-so *much* for me. I thought you wanted Jean. I thought you loved Jean. I thought I was just-just some kind of obligation to you and I never knew you felt so much for me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't know that."

"You don't have nothin' to be sorry for." It's not like me bangin' Jeannie and not bein' around when Marie needed me the most would naturally add up to me bein' so in love with Marie. Not lookin' at it from the outside. You know, whatever little problems her mutation causes us, I'll always thank God she can take me in that way. I'll always be grateful that she can get what's really goin' on inside me and know for sure that way.

"I don't want to lose any more time. Not even a second." Whoa. Picked up her head and looked real intense when she said that. "I want to start falling in love with you again right away."

"OK." Gotta have her, and if she's gonna love me, well, that's a helluva lot more than I deserve. "I love you." I sound like a damn broken record, but I'm gettin' addicted to those happy smiles.

"Show me. Let's-let's be together, OK?"

"In the bed, darlin'." There's another one of those moments that I shoulda said somethin' like 'we can wait' or 'are you sure?' but there's no way I'm passin' up a chance to show her how much I love her, to have her be mine. Just-just not half-in, half-outta the bathroom. In the bed's much better. Not that I give a shit-anywhere, so long as it's with Marie-but it'll be nicer for her that way. And that's what I'm gonna make sure of from now on out-that she's taken care of, that everythin' is just the way she wants it. "In the bed. C'mon, let's go.