Dr. Hank Takes A Wrong Turn

Title: Dr. Hank Takes a Wrong Turn
Author: Terri
E-mail: xgrrl26@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Archive: Peep Hut, Dolphin Haven, Agony and Ecstasy -
anyone else, please ask ;)
Feedback: Please? With some good traffic karma on
top? Good, bad, and ugly welcome…..
Summary: Hank takes a wrong turn, both literally and
conversationally, and does his best Dr. Phil
imitation. Logan is along for the ride.
Comments: This one was inspired, as you might guess,
by me sitting in traffic ;) I was coming back from
vacation, was exhausted, and wound up sitting in
traffic not once, but twice, on two of Chicago’s fine
expressways - first the Kennedy, which was under
construction when I first laid eyes on the city in
1987 and remains so to this day, and the Dan Ryan,
which locals refer to as the ‘Damn Ryan.’ There is
nothing more irritating than a serious traffic jam,
and it can turn even timid, mild-mannered, endlessly
patient and kind (cough, cough…..) folks like me
downright cranky. Imagine how well Logan would cope,
especially if Hank blurts out that something might be
up with Marie…….One last comment - this story pretty
much ignores X2, and I have a feeling that I’m going
to be doing that a lot……..


“Aw, dammit!”

“I wholeheartedly share your sentiments. This traffic
jam is most vexing.”

“You can say that again, Big Blue. Ain’t anythin’

“Well, technically, we *are* moving, just at an
exceedingly slow pace. I do believe that our average
is now…..2.84 miles per hour. Yes, that’s right.”

“That ain’t reassurin’.”

“Ah, yes. Right. Just a little something to
entertain myself, you see. Something to take my mind
off of the stress of - ”

“Hey! You! Stay in your own damn lane! You’re not
gettin’ over here, bub!”

“Logan - do you suppose that you could refrain from
yelling at our fellow motorists? My unusual visage
attracts quite enough attention from passers-by as it
is, and I would be forever in your debt if you could
see your way clear to - ”

“Yeah, same to you, asshole!”

“Ahem. Never mind.”

“What? Did you say somethin’?”

“I was merely requesting that you approach our current
predicament with a bit more Zen and a bit less, ah,
well, I do not suppose that there is a religious or
philosophical tradition that espouses uncontrollable

“Zen my ass.”

“I see.”

“I don’t think ya do, Hank. I didn’t wanna spend my
afternoon runnin’ this errand for Chuck in the first
damn place and I definitely didn’t wanna spend the
whole day sittin’ in a little car with a buncha other
people in their little cars, all of us doin’
abso-fuckin’-lutely nothin’ but starin’ at one
another. I don’t like *people,* Hank - I don’t like
‘em one at a time and I can’t fuckin’ stand bunches of
‘em. They’re *stupid.* I mean - look at that guy -
he’s got a couch strapped to the roof of a midget
fuckin’ car. What the hell was he thinkin’, huh?”

“I do not know.”

“Neither do I. What a dumb ass. Then there’s this
lady here - puttin’ on makeup and talkin’ on the cell
phone and tryin’ to drive all at the same time. What
the hell is that? Shit, most people can’t walk and
chew gum at the same time, and doin’ all that at once
- ya know what that adds up to? I’ll tell ya - it
adds up to a car accident. And it’d be just my luck
that I’d be the one she’d run into - I’d be the one
gettin’ my quarter panel dented ‘cause she just hadta
get her mascara on.”

“Actually, it would be my quarter panel, as this is my

“But I’m in it and it’d piss me off - that’s my

“Ah. It is all about *you.*”

“That ain’t funny. The only thing more irritatin’
than bein’ stuck here in traffic would be havin’ you
go all Dr. Phil on me, Hank. Don’t even try it.”

“Heh. I admit, I have occasionally wondered what it
would be like to have my own talk show, to counsel my
fellow x-men on their personal and romantic lives. I
could adopt a grating Texas accent and chide people as
they sat in uncomfortable chairs. I can see it now -
Ororo, do you not realize that you are only punishing
the rest of us with bad weather when it is ‘your time
of the month!’ Charles, just because you are a
telepath it does not mean that you know everything!
Jubilee, you must stop pining over Remy and try to
realize that St. John is interested in you! Bobby,
you must stop pining over Rogue and get on with your
life! Rogue, you must - oh. Ahem. Never mind. My
point was - ”

“Uh, Hank - who’s Rogue pinin’ over?”

“No one. No one. She pines for no one. That - yes,
that was the reason that I stopped speaking so
abruptly, because there is no one for whom she pines
and no conclusion to that line of thinking.
Therefore, ah, ergo, no more speaking. On my part.
From me. Rogue - she pines for no one. No one at

“You’re lyin’.”

“Perhaps. I suppose that I cannot argue with your
senses. But this is not a topic upon which we should
converse. Oh, look - we have moved a few feet.”

“Look, bub - Rogue. Pinin’. Who is it?”

“No one, I assure you. It is not a matter for your
concern. Well, we are really moving now - I believe
that was nearly six inches.”

“Hank, you’re gonna tell me who she’s after, and
you’re gonna tell me right now. I ain’t in a good
mood to begin with.”

“I am well aware of your ill temper, but I still do
believe that we should be conversing on this topic.”

“I do.”

“Ah, yes, but it takes a minimum of two participants
to have a conversation and I am unwilling to - ”


“Please put those away. You are not frightening me.”


“That will not work either. I have made a solemn
promise to Rogue that - ”

“You promised her what?”

“Oh dear.”

“What? What did you promise her?”


“Dammit, Hank!”

“All right, I promised her that I would keep certain
confidences of hers. Having this conversation with
you would break that promise - nay, shatter it into a
million pieces, and I - ”

“She’s keepin’ secrets from me? She’s keepin’ secrets
from me, but she’s lettin’ you in on ‘em?”

“I would not characterize events in quite that

“You know, I thought she - hmph.”

“Are you - are you *pouting*?”


“You are pouting.”

“Am not.”

“Indeed you are.”

“I am not.”

“I must disagree. You are giving off all the indicia
of - ”


“Right. Right. Sorry. You are not pouting, not in
the least. My mistake.”

“Damn right.”

“You know………..if you are concerned because she has not
chosen to discuss certain…things….with you, I can
assure you that you are expending needless emotional
energy. She is - she considers herself quite close to
you and trusts you a great deal. I daresay more than
anyone else at the mansion, or anyone else in her

“Yeah, well, I usedta think that too.”

“Logan, do not make mountains out of molehills. Rogue
cares for you very much and she would be crestfallen
should she think you angry with her.”

“I don’t have any right to be mad with her.”

“But you are.”


“Consider that you may be overreacting, Logan.”

“I’ll decide how much I react, all right, Dr. Hank?”

“Very well.”

“I believe that it is clearing up a bit.”


“I can see definite movement ahead.”

“Yeah - more creepin’.”

“At least we are moving.”



“If you’re thinkin’ about givin’ me more shit, just
don’t, Hank. I’m warnin’ ya - I’m in a bad fuckin’

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Sarcasm don’t make it any better, bub.”

“Nothing does, I suppose.”

“What’s that supposedta mean?”

“It means, Logan, that perhaps you should consider
that it is not everyone’s duty to bear your distemper.
It means that perhaps, when confronted with an
unpleasant situation, you might once - just once -
attempt to ignore your irritation instead of venting
it upon whosoever may be nearest to you at the time.
It means that perhaps, occasionally, you could be
grateful for the people in your life instead of
desperately latching on to any excuse, no matter how
flimsy, to alienate them further from you. It means
that yes, we are stuck in traffic, and yes, there are
issues that Rogue has discussed with me that she does
not feel comfortable discussing with you, but that it
does not necessarily mean that your caustic attitude,
hair-trigger temper, and sullen pouting - yes, I said
pouting! - constitute an appropriate response, and I
have grown tired of indulging you.”


“Indeed. And one more thing - those things, those
things that Rogue has discussed with me and not you -
do you really wish to know them? Because surely you
know that she does not shield confidences from you
lightly, and that she has never once refused to share
something with you on those rare occasions that you
have asked. Surely you realize that you have but to
ask and she will tell you, no matter how uncomfortable
it may make her, no matter how embarrassed or upset.
Is that how you wish to see her? Because she will
tell you, I am as certain of that as I am that the sun
shall rise tomorrow - although I certainly hope it
does not find us still stuck on this infernal asphalt
Escher loop. She will indulge your temper, your
invasive need to know what she wishes to keep private,
and she will even do it with a sweet, kind smile on
her face. It will matter little to her, perhaps as
little as it apparently matters to you, that her
discomfort will be extreme - she will seek to make you
feel reassured in any case, and - oh, goodness
gracious, woman in the Toyota! Move your vehicle!”

“Hank - ”

“I cannot imagine why she is sitting there, immobile,
when the car in front has moved several yards. No,
no, do not let that truck in front of you!”



“Is it really gonna make her upset to tell me?”


“Tell me the truth, Hank.”

“It will embarrass her. Logan, she is - she is still
a young woman and some things are especially difficult
for her to discuss.”

“Is she hurt? Sick?”


“Is she in trouble?”

“Some would think so, but I do not. Although I have
recently been given cause to wonder……”

“What kind of trouble?”

“She is not really in trouble, Logan. I apologize.
That was a bit of - of cleverness on my part. She is

“You swear it?”


“You swear it on your - on your science stuff, your


“Even on the big microscope?”

“Yes. Logan - she is fine.”

“OK, then.”


“Yeah, OK.”

“Ah, well……..good. Good, then.”

“I’m not as big an asshole as you think. I don’t
wanna upset her for no reason.”

“Of course. Forgive me - I - I do not know quite what
came over me. I lost my temper for a moment, and I

“Don’t sweat it. And Hank - you should lose your
temper more often. It’d do ya some good.”

“Many thanks, Dr. Logan.”


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