Dr. Hank Rides Again

Title: Dr. Hank Rides Again
Author: Terri
E-mail: xgrrl26@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Archive: Peep Hut, Dolphin Haven, Agony and Ecstasy -
anyone else, please ask ;)
Feedback: Please? With some good traffic karma on
top? Good, bad, and ugly welcome…..
Summary:  Sequel to Dr. Hank Takes a Wrong Turn. Logan
and Hank find themselves stuck in traffic again, and once
again Marie is the main topic of conversation. But is there
something supernatural at work here? I mean, really –
how unlucky, traffic-wise, can two mutants be?


“Ya know, you’re some kinda traffic bad luck charm or somethin’.  Every damn time I go somewhere with
ya, there’s traffic, even when it’s not rush hour.” 

“I cannot contest your observations, yet I am reluctant to accept a non-scientific explanation for the consistent occurrence of traffic when we are commuting somewhere together.”


“I do not believe that I am a bad luck charm.”

“Then maybe it’s your tie.  You’ve worn that damn tie every time.”

“I fail to see how there can possibly be a causal relationship.”


“Besides, I quite like this tie.  It travels well, does not show wear or stains - ”

“It causes a fuckin’ huge traffic jam wherever we go……..”

“Now, Logan, it is quite irrational to think that my wearing of this particular tie in some way influences the metropolitan New York City traffic patterns.  Surely, there is some other explanation.  Or perhaps it is simply mere chance.  After all, we have only been on missions for the Professor in the city on four occasions.”

“And every damn one of them has involved more sittin’ in traffic than doin’ anythin’.  This sucks, Hank.”

“Well, there I cannot argue with you.  It does indeed suck.”

“Hmph.  Know what else sucks?  Chuck’s little rules.  He got all bent outta shape over what I said to that little ice cube kid, read me the riot act for hours.  My ears fuckin’ hurt after all that.”

“Ah - I do not know the particulars as I attempt not to indulge in mansion gossip, but I am given to understand that you threatened him away from Rogue in some fashion.  Is that correct?”

“All I said was he’d better keep away from her or I’d gut him.  That’s it.  And Chuck got all bent out of shape.  ‘No scarin’ the kids, Logan.  It’s not nice to try to inhibit Rogue’s social life, Logan.  Don’t wave your claws around just to intimidate them, Logan.’  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Well, Chuck can bite me.  That little ice prick deserved it - he’s been doin’ nothin’ but sniffin’ around Rogue, and she’s way too good for him.”

“I see.  Might you have any suggestions as to whom you would prefer to see her date?”

“She doesn’t need to be datin’, Hank, and that’s what I keep tryin’ to tell her.  She’s young, she’s got time - what the hell does she need a lotta little boys - little boys with one damn thing on their mind - sniffin’ around her for?  Shit, she oughta go on to school, live her life, and then worry about all that crap later.”

“Well, I would proffer the suggestion that perhaps Rogue’s interest in dating young boys is indeed very normal for her age and sexual orientation.  In addition, perhaps male attention is sought to bring about feelings of desirability in her own psyche, to assure herself that she is, in fact, attractive.”

“Are you sayin’ she doesn’t think she’s attractive?”

“In a word - yes, that is what I am saying.  Few teenage girls do.”

“That’s nuts.  She’s freakin’ gorgeous and the fact that everything in the mansion that’s got somethin’ swingin’ between its legs is after her oughta clue her inta that.”

“Now, Logan, I would challenge your assertion that all mansion males have expressed interest in Rogue.  Scott, for one, has not shown - ”

“He’s got his head too far up Jeannie’s ass to notice anythin’.  He don’t count, Hank.”

“Well, then what about yourself?  You have not shown any interest in Rogue of that nature.”

“I don’t wanna talk about that, OK?”

“OK.  But we have not moved a single, solitary inch in several minutes.  I would forecast similar conditions by the looks of the non-moving traffic several hundred yards ahead.  We have plenty of time to talk about things if you wish.”

“I really don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Logan, perhaps - ”

“Look, Hank - I figured out what you were tryin’ to cover up that time.  The one Rogue’s pinin’ for, that’s me.  I’m not stupid.  I get it.  I just - I don’t wanna talk about it, all right?  I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Oh, dear.  I honestly did not mean to - ”

“I know, I know.  And I haven’t let on to her that I know.  Believe me, I don’t wanna deal with that.”

“Because you fail to return her feelings and find her interest in you awkward?”



“Didn’t I say I don’t wanna fuckin’ talk about this, Hank?”

“Yes, yes you did.  And did we not discover the last time you became surly with me that I do not take well to vulgarity and pouting?”



“I am not.”

“You most certainly are.”

“I’m not!”

“I believe my point has been made for me.”


“If your discomfort does not stem from the lack of similar feelings toward her, then what is the difficulty?”

“Look, she’s young.  She’s got a chance at a good life.  She don’t need me screwin’ all that up for her any more than I already have.”

“In what way have you impinged on her life?  If memory serves, you have saved her life, on several occasions.”

“And I put a lotta me and my fucked-up memories in her head in the process.  That’s more than enough impingin’, Hank.”

“Have you asked Rogue if she shares that opinion?”


“Have you asked Rogue if she thinks you have impinged?”


“Perhaps you should.”

“Hank - do you know somethin’?”

“I know many things.”

“Hank, I’m short on fuckin’ patience here.”

“Really?  You hide it so well.  I had not noticed.”

“Hank - ”

“I do not believe she thinks of the times you have saved her life, braved her mutation, and shared the deepest parts of yourself with her as anything short of miraculous.  In fact, it would be my guess that she quite cherishes the connection you have shared during those times, but it is a very private thing, and not something she discusses with me.”

“She hasn’t said anythin’ about it?”

“Only that she is grateful to you.”

“Well, yeah - she lived.”

“Not because of that.”

“Because of what, then?”

“For letting her see inside you, for sharing yourself with her.”

“Wish I coulda done it without puttin’ all that bullshit into her head.”

“Perhaps what you think of as ‘bull excrement’ she sees as something positive.”

“Bull excrement?”

“A gentleman does not curse.”

“Aw, Hank, you ain’t no gentleman.”

“Why, Logan!  I am affronted!  When have I demonstrated anything less than well-mannered politeness?”

“When you cut off that BMW that tried to sneak in front of you, just ten minutes ago.”

“Yes, well - he was in the wrong.”

“Uh-huh.  And you beeped at him just to, ah, help along his understandin’ of polite manners?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“You know, you don’t hafta be perfectly behaved every damn second of the day, Hank.  I thought we had this discussion - it’d do ya good to get mad every now and then.”

“I cannot say that I disagree, but I’m afraid that I was taught from an early age that anger is an emotion best expressed judiciously, after considered thought, and not in the heat of the moment.  I can’t say that I entirely disagree with that position, but on the other hand it did feel quite stress-relieving to beep at that cretin.”

“Exactly.  That’s why I don’t have stress, Hank.  I let it all out.  Somebody pisses me off, I let ‘em know.  If someone crosses me, they get a claw up the ass.  If someone goes near Rogue, they’re gonna be singin’ soprano for the rest of their natural lives - *if* I’m in a good mood.  Chuck shouldn’t be givin’ me shit for scarin’ that little kid - he should be thankin’ me for not puttin’ him six feet fuckin’ under.”

“I am sure he is appropriately grateful for Bobby’s continued existence, Logan, but you must admit that Charles has a point.”

“Which is?”

“The children who arrive at the mansion are at a delicate juncture in their psychological and emotional development.  Scaring them, making them fear for their lives, is not the preferred way to guide them through just such a difficult time.”

“I don’t really give a crap about emotional development of some horny teenage boy.”

“What about Rogue’s emotional development?”

“Well, sure - whaddya think I’ve been sayin’ here?  I’m worried that I already fucked with that by puttin’ bad stuff in her head.”

“I meant to say that perhaps you are affecting her self-esteem by dissuading all of her potential suitors.”

“Hank, I refuse to believe this crap about her not thinkin’ she’s pretty or whatever.  She’s not blind.  The girl’s got eyes.”

“She’s a teenager, Logan, and one with, to be blunt, deadly skin.  Not only is she dealing with all the ‘typical’ body image issues created by the media in today’s society, she is dealing with a severe mutation, one that surely could cause her to think that people in general, and romantic suitors in particular, do not desire to be near to her.”

“Well, that’s stupid.”

“I did not say she had an accurate picture of herself, only that that is the likely perspective in her own mind.”

“It’s stupid.”


“It is - why the hell would anyone let her skin get in the way, huh?  What kinda pansy-ass thinks that way?”

“Permit me to reply by way of an assertion on which perhaps you will finally agree with me - the world is filled with an abundance of pansy-asses.  Rogue has already encountered many.”

“Hey, you said ‘ass’.  Ain’t that against the gentleman code?”

“Are you trying to change the subject now that I have made a point with which you cannot argue?”

“No, no - I’m just givin’ ya a little shit, Hank.  I get what you’re sayin’ - and yeah, most people are worthless.  I guess I could see how she might think - hey, I’m surrounded by dumb-asses, especially that ice-hole kid, and where am I gonna find someone who’s not like that?  I can see that, especially livin’ at Chuck’s place.”

“Very well.  Now - ”

“Hey, Hank - we’re movin’.”

“Oh. Indeed we are.  Splendid.  That was nearly six feet, I think.”

“Gotta take what you can get, especially since you still got the tie on.”

“Logan, for heaven’s sake!  It is not the tie.”


“What were we discussing?  Ah, yes, I believe it was how you are going to go back to the mansion and clue Rogue in to how you feel about her.  Yes, that was it.”


“The claws do not scare me.  I fancy myself quite the non-pansy-ass, you know.”

“Hank, I can’t say anythin’ to her.”

“You can.  You should.  And I would even argue that you want to, but find yourself unsure of what her response may be and - dare I say it? - a little afraid that she may reject you.”

“You’re nuts.”

“I am quite sane according to all of the major mental health evaluation tools.”

“Nah, you’re freakin’ nuts.  I’m not afraid she’ll reject me.”

“Hmmm……….you actually said that quite convincingly.  Perhaps that is true.  But then - what *are* you afraid of?”

“Honest?  I’m afraid she won’t.  I’m afraid she’ll say - yeah, I love you Logan, let’s get together.  I dunno what to do if that happens, Hank.  I dunno how to live happily ever after.  I’m usedta livin’ shittily ever after.  That, I know.  That, I can deal with.  I have no idea how to act when things go good.  And her sayin’ that - well, that’s about as good as things can go.”

“Well, what’s the worst possible thing that could happen if things go, ah, exceedingly well between the two of you?”

“Maybe I can’t make her happy.  Maybe I won’t know how to act.  Maybe I’ll get bored.  Maybe she will.  Maybe she’ll get tired of me ‘cause she is young and maybe she doesn’t know what she wants after all.  Maybe all kindsa shit will go wrong, and then the best thing I ever had in my  whole life is all fucked up.”

“So you would rather not have it?”

“Maybe it’s better that way.”

“You, my friend, are nuts.”

“Well I haven’t taken any of those mental health things but I can tell ya that I’m pretty fuckin’ sane, Hank.  At least at the moment.”

“No, I must disagree.  You really are quite mad.  You are, technically speaking, a Grade A Nutter.”

“Grade A Nutter?”


“Hank - ”

“Logan, listen to me.  You are worrying about things that have not happened, and things that may never happen.  You are throwing away a rare chance at happiness because you fear not having a roadmap for dealing with good fortune and personal fulfillment.  For the love of all that is holy, do you not see the insanity in that?”

“You don’t understand.”

“I think I do.  You do not wish to risk being hurt.  Which is understandable; however, the rewards are magnificent and the risk is really quite small.  Yes, the only conclusion that I can arrive at is that you are mad.  My friend, if I were to taxonomically classify you, your species would be Grade A Nutterus and your genus would be Pansy-assus.  Suck it up, man - tell the woman how you feel and deal with the scary, scary happiness that has every chance of ensuing.”

“I don’t appreciate your fuckin’ sarcasm, Hank.”


“And I don’t appreciate bein’ called a pansy-ass.”

“Ah.  Well, I *was* speaking strictly in the hypothetical, you know - *if* I were to taxonomically classify you, then, and only then would - ”

“Do you really think I should tell her?”


“Do you really think it’ll all work out?”

“Yes.  If you can recover a bit of your sanity, I believe that it has an excellent chance of working out.”

“How excellent of a chance?”


“I said - how excellent of a chance?  You’re the one always crunchin’ numbers and shit, so tell me - what are my odds, Hank?”

“Hmmm………..I would have to give you excellent odds.  Perhaps, say……only a one or two percent chance of relationship failure.”

“And what makes the one or two percent possible?  Why’d you say there was even a small chance?”

“Your aforementioned insanity was the chief factor there.   It may worsen at any time.”

“Hank, be serious.”

“I am.  The only thing that is readily apparent as a problem is your own refusal to be happy, to risk being hurt.  The very good news, however, is that this is a factor entirely within your own control.”

“But I can’t control Rogue - what if she - ”

“Logan, you have already deduced her feelings for you, so I do not feel it would be breaking her confidence to tell you that she is absolutely, honestly, truly, very much in love with you.”

“What if she changes her mind, though?  What if she changes her mind ‘bout that once she gets to know me, the real me?  I mean, I ain’t some knight in shinin’ armor, Hank.”

“Oh, she already realizes that.  Logan - she has seen inside your psyche, she has seen you in an entirely unvarnished, unguarded state, and I would venture a guess that she therefore knows the ‘real you’ quite well and loves you nonetheless.  What you have, my friend, is a woman who is sitting there, waiting to love you, and what I am saying is that you should go avail yourself of that emotional connection and share with her the feelings you harbor for her as well.  Now, if that does not make sense to you, then we really do need to check your sanity.”



“OK, it makes sense.”

“And you will therefore do as I’ve suggested and talk to Rogue immediately upon our return to the mansion?”

“Yeah….I guess…..”

“Do not guess, do.”

“What’re you, channelin’ Yoda this time?  Christ, Hank, I swear to God I’m gonna steal that fuckin’ tie and shred it, just so I don’t hafta have any more traffic therapy with you.”

“I am telling you, it is not the tie!  That is completely - oh.  We really are moving now.  Hmmm.  Interesting.”

“It’s about fuckin’ time.”

“Yes, Logan, yes it is.”

“Ah, Hank, you’re back.”

“Yes, Professor.  My apologies for the delay, but we once again encountered traffic on the way back.”


“Yes.  It is actually quite curious - Logan and I do seem to become ensnared in some traffic tie up each and every time we venture out on a mission.  Logan believes that it is my tie that is the bad luck charm.”

“I see.  How interesting.  Well, I suppose that you and Logan found a way to pass the time.”

“Indeed we did.  We actually had quite a productive discussion and I think that you may see a marked decrease in the number of male students reporting conflicts with him.”

“Excellent.  Just as I’d hoped.”

“Ah, Professor?  What did you mean by that - just as you’d hoped?”

“Nothing, nothing.”


“Nothing, old friend.  I merely - well, I merely thought that you and Logan would benefit from some time in each other’s company.”

“Aha.  So that is why everyone in the greater New York area had the urge to be on the road at the exact same time today?”

“I find being stuck in traffic to be a wonderful opportunity for introspection while driving alone, and for conversation when driving with a friend.”

“Professor, that was not exactly nice.  You could have just asked me to spend time with Logan.”

“But what fun would that have been?”


“Oh, lighten up, Hank.  Besides - if I had asked you to do it, Logan would’ve sensed that.  It was much easier and better this way.”

“And all those poor souls stuck in traffic because Logan needed to work out his feelings for Rogue?”

“We all have to bear the karmic burden of others on occasion, Hank.  And as I said - traffic always makes for good conversational opportunities.”

“I suppose…….”

“Now, when is your next drive into the city?  I do believe that Jubilee has some issues she needs to work out……”

“Oh no.  No, I refuse!”

“But Hank - ”

“To paraphrase Logan, sir, if you attempt to stick me in traffic with Jubilee I shall put a metaphorical, perhaps even a literal, claw into that girl’s posterior.  There is only so much one mutant can take!”

“All right, all right.  Say - would you send Scott in here on your way out?  Perhaps he would feel up to a drive………”


Back To The Index   Back To The Archives