Attack of the Killer Peeps VII: The Seventh Peep
I own no one, not even the peeps in question. They own themselves ;)
PG-13, some grossness
Ask, and I will gladly provide
In a kitchen in Connecticut, all sugary hell breaks loose. Logan and
Rogue try to get themselves some sex in the midst of it.
Scant appearances by Baba Wawa and Martha here, and not much of the other
x-men either. Kind of demands another sequel, doesn't it? If
you want to read more about the Peeps adventures, check them out HERE.
When we last
saw our heroes, they'd been captured by two of the most diabolical minds in
America - Barbara Walters and Martha Stewart. Making matters worse,
Storm could no longer control the peeps she had unleashed, and the X-men
sent to rescue our heroes found themselves under attack by a multitude of
the terribly undigestible candies known as peeps
Logan, what will we do?" Rogue clung to her man, trying to stay calm
in the face of the peep onslaught.
we gotta figure out which ones are the ones that make us have sex.
Then, we gotta kill the rest of 'em. Then, we gotta get that blonde
chick who thinks the claws are for kitchen use - I'm not a goddamn can opener!"
with her lover's plan, Rogue agreed, "Yes, that's good. Let's - let's
try to find out which are the sex peeps." Bravely, Rogue stooped down
to an alarmingly pastel blue peep and said hello.
responded with a hearty "Angstfic!" and charged Rogue. Suddenly, she
had visions of some horrible misunderstanding between herself and Logan
that forced them to lead separate lives and -
Jubilee luckily exploded the blue peep before any serious damage could be
done. Turning away to fend off advancing green peeps, she winked at
Logan and said over her shoulder, "You owe me one, dude."
close." Rogue knew that she just *had* to find the sex peeps, and quickly.
God only knows what some of these monsters might do to her and Logan.
all right, darlin'?"
think so. Look - here comes a pink one. Let's try again."
She took a few hesitant steps forward before she felt Logan's hand on her
there. I'd better do this. Just in case." Rogue didn't like
that idea, but when she glanced back at the pink peep, it had an evil brown
smile on its face and an unholy glint in its miniscule brown eyes. On
the other hand, she thought, it *is* Logan's turn.
peep're you?" It just giggled. "Uh, you ain't one of them angst
peeps are ya?" It shook its little pink head no. "Come on, tell
me what kinda peep you are. I'll - uh - I'll be nice." Logan mentally
added "if you're a sex peep."
peep appeared to be deciding what to tell Logan. Finally, as the sounds
of battle and the acrid stench of burning peeps filled the air, the pink
peep locked eyes with Logan, then said in its horrific, shrill, marshmallowy
voice, "Amnesia fic!"
Logan clenched his head in his hands as all of his memories were sucked
out by the peep. Rogue tried to come to his aid, only to have the
evil pink monster steal her memories too. When at last they were both
laying in a heap on the floor, the pink terror let out a resounding "BURP"
and went off in search of more memories to bloat its fetid marshmallow body
you?" Rogue was the first to regain speech.
"Uh, I dunno.
know, but for some reason, I just want to throw you down and have sex with
Me too." Unbeknownst to them, a green peep was creeping up behind them.
"Well, you wanna?"
don't think so. I mean, uh, who are you again?" Rogue couldn't
remember what she was like as a person, but she was fairly sure she wasn't
As Logan reached back for memories no longer there, the green peep made its
assault, flinging itself atop Rogue and crying out, "Plot twist fic!"
Her memories came flooding back in a rush, and, remembering that she *was*
that easy, at least where Logan was concerned, she flung the peep onto him.
his primal instincts beat out the return of his memories, and he did the
worst possible thing he could've at that moment. He immediately ate
Logan!" Rogue panicked, she couldn't help it.
I don't feel so good."
you remember me?" If he did, she had an idea.
He was already beginning to turn green. There wasn't much time.
The marshmallow was spreading throughout his system and not even his healing
factor could fight it without some help.
Logan." With that, she punched him in the stomach, as hard as she could.
up the peep, and the rest of the contents of his stomach. In an epic
stroke of bad luck, he managed to vomit all over a yellow peep that was
escaping the battle.
Rogue didn't want to guess at what was coming next. And she didn't have
peep shook the contents of Logan's stomach off its ears. Noticing that
there were remnants of his green peepy brother, the yellow peep's eyes got
larger and browner. Finally ready to wreak its savage revenge, it cried,
out a gasp as Logan dropped to his knees and picked up one of her feet.
"What are you doing?"
up at her with tender eyes and a gentle smile. "Darlin', have you ever had
a pedicure? 'Cause I think it'd be fun to paint your toenails.
I could even get some - "
her foot away. "What the hell is wrong with you? Pedicure?"
She had to reverse the effect of this peep, and fast. She liked her
men on the baddest end of the bad-ass spectrum, men who didn't even know what
a pedicure was, let alone want to give her one. The very thought sent
shudders through her.
the first good break of the day, she spotted an orange peep trying to scuttle
past her. She deftly grabbed it, while kicking Logan away as he repeatedly
attempted to grab her foot. She had exceptional balance.
"Look - I'm
not going to kill you. Not yet. But I want to know what kind of
peep you are and I want to know right now." She fixed the orange bunny-shaped
marshmallow with a deadly serious stare.
Rogue demanded, as she shook the peep slightly.
its trembling, wiggling body skeptically, she repeated, "What?"
It suddenly sprung out of her grasp and fled to Martha's kitchen.
it have meant by 'foof'?" Rogue turned to Logan who was at the moment dressed
in a tuxedo and smiling at her. She didn't like the looks of that smile.
I dunno what foof means, all I know is that I wanna be with you for the rest
of my life. I love you so much and I want us to get married and have
kids and live in a big house with a white picket fence." He was holding
out a hand to her, and he looked sincere.
isn't all bad, Rogue thought. "Uh, OK."
"Oh my love,
you have made me the happiest man alive." Just then, a purple peep
scurried past, trying to avoid one of Remy's charged cards. The peep
careened into Rogue with a sticky SPLAT and remained stuck to her leg.
what now?" Rogue whined.
peep promptly answered, "Series! Series!"
Rogue, since it didn't include the word "fic" like the other peep-cries had.
Apparently Logan had an idea what the peep was referring to, though, because
he let out a frustrated moan.
it mean, Logan?" Rogue asked, as she shook the purple peep off of her
a long, long buncha stuff. It'll take forever for us to have sex in
a series. Christ, it might never even get finished!"
"Oh no, that
won't do." Rogue wanted sex, and she wanted it now, not whenever they
got around to it. "We've *got* to find those sex peeps, dammit!"
a white peep peered out from behind a beautifully crafted planter.
"Psst," it called to Logan and Rogue. "Over here."
"Hey - you
talk." Logan had a knack for noting the obvious. "Wait.
It could be dangerous. Stay back, darlin'."
What a brave,
brave man, she thought. Either that or it hadn't occurred to Logan
that perhaps this kind of talking, albino peep could be the most dangerous
peep're you?" Logan eyeballed it, trying to establish man-peep superiority.
heaved a sigh, apparently irritated. "You know, the master peep.
Like a master vampire."
has the master peep - they can control the story."
it's what you're in right now. Some wackadoodle author got it into
her head to write a funny story about possessed Easter candy. That's
why you're surrounded by us. I mean, honestly, do you think that peeps
talk? Or get possessed? Of course it's a story."
Logan seemed to be the very definition of confused, and Rogue wasn't faring
I don't want to be incinerated or put into some damn Martha Stewart souffle.
If you protect me from the other x-men, I'll make the story go however you
on, Rogue asked, "Would you even get rid of the other peeps?"
I can't do that."
I really can't do that. I don't know how. Those peeps - they're
the author's creations, the plot bunnies flung by beta readers or lurkers,
God only knows. I can only control the story."
Logan exchanged a look. They had no idea what the hell this peep was
talking about. Beta readers? Lurkers? Were these some
kind of secret organizations, like the Brotherhood? Were they responsible
for the origin of the peeps? Logan decided to table those questions
to ask something far more important. "What about the sex?"
as you want, OK? I can do smutfic just fine. NC-17, I promise.
Now, please. They're coming closer." Rogue looked up from the
white peep just in time to see her fellow x-men advancing in their direction.
They had to make a decision.
it, Logan. Let's take a chance."
darlin', just - whatever happens, remember I love ya."
Rogue bravely picked up the albino peep and braced herself.
have to tell me what you want," the peep complained.
"I, uh, thought
we were fairly clear on that. We want sex. Uh, now." Logan
was a little embarrassed to be telling some marshmallowy possessed candy
about his love life, but if it got him a little quality time with Rogue,
he'd get over it.
I need a few more details."
Rogue apparently had some ideas. "How about on a beach? On a deserted
and she can touch me. And nothin' bad happens to us."
Fine. I'll try that. Hang on." The white peep closed its
little brown eyes in concentration.
Logan and Rogue were transported to a beautiful deserted island, on a white
sand beach. They were naked, and as soon as they realized that, Rogue
dropped the peep and jumped Logan.
"Wait - uh-
darlin' - just a sex. I mean *sec*. Sec. Just a sec."
Rogue harumphed, but Logan knew this was important. "How long do we
to before. Back to Martha's kitchen."
take us somewhere else?"
peep giggled and ran off into the underbrush. Logan thought his sensitive
hearing picked up something like "one per customer" as he scurried into
do we do now?" Rogue made herself comfortable on the beach. She
had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to do now, but wondered if Logan
was going to try to chase the peep instead.
he lowered himself to the sand beside her. "We hope that little bastard
put us in some kinda series, darlin'." She smiled and drew him to
her, as the white peep careened through the lush underbrush, already concocting
the next story.