Title: Letters To Santa: Hank's Letter
Series: DDFH "Dear Santa" Round Robin. The rest of the X-Men's
letters can be read HERE.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, darn it.
Archive: Dolphin Haven, Peep Hut - anyone else, please ask ;)
Feedback: Please? With a spring of mistletoe on top?
Good, bad, and ugly welcome...
Summary: Hank gets his requests in with St. Nick, and Kitty pays
him a visit.
Comments: Darn you, Jonas, darn you to heck! (That's as upset
as I can get in the headers for a PG fic...) Jonas said I should write Hank's
letter in some fb for JenN's excellent letter from Bobby, and that bunny stuck.
So did JenN's bittersweet mood from that fic, and my Hank Muse's demands
for some progress with Kitty in Portraits. This should keep him smiling
and in twinkies for quite a while....
Although I realize that you are a wholly fictional character, I thought
it an appropriate exercise to write to you this year. You see, I am somewhat
lacking in holiday spirit, and I thought perhaps that this may get me more
'in the mood,' as it were. As is traditional, I will begin with a recitation
of my Noel needs. For your convenience, I have prioritized these with
the most desired item appearing first, and then on down the list. Optimistically,
I would be thrilled to receive each item listed; however, the steely-eyed
scientist in me realizes that the statistical likelihood of receiving actual
presents from a fictional character varies only infinitesimally from zero.
With that in mind, let me commence:
1. An entirely different appearance. I am certain this item,
and its relative position on the list comes as no surprise. I do not
much care for being blue and fur-covered, nor for my animalistic fangs and
claws. I desire a 'normal' appearance - it need not be fantastically
good-looking; it need not even aspire to 'average.' Even the most
unpleasant-looking 'normal' person looks better than I. So, Mr. Claus,
I shall leave the nature of this gift entirely in your hands. Should
you see fit to grant it, I would be ecstatic and I heretofore make the traditional
promise never to request another single present for all of perpetuity should
you but grant me this one gift. I assure you, I am much more sincere
on this count than your usual supplicants. As is also traditional,
I assure you that I have been Very Good This Year and am deserving of my
most-desired gift. Somehow, I doubt that this will make any difference.
I suppose it is the scientist in me rearing its ugly head. And, since
the object of this exercise was to improve my holiday mood, not to exterminate
it with rational analysis, I shall move right along.
2. An additional fifty points IQ. Yes, I realize that I have
been much-blessed in this category already, but one can never be too smart.
If I were just a bit more intelligent perhaps, just perhaps, I would be doing
a better job of obtaining the above-requested gift on my own.
3. The death of my enemies. I realize that this request is
not in the usual vein. However, the Brotherhood, Magneto, Sabretooth,
and Mystique in particular, have wrought all manner of injury and suffering
upon those I hold most dear. I am not ordinarily a violent man, but
this unholy trinity has clearly and thoroughly demonstrated that their behavior
cannot be changed. In this past year alone, they nearly murdered Robert,
left Scott horribly scarred in claw-marks from shoulders to navel, irreparably
twisted Logan's metal skeleton into pretzel-like configurations (necessitating
Rogue's intervention to steal and harness Magneto's powers with her skin;
the universe saw fit to reward her unselfish, heroic repair of Logan's injuries
by inflicting three weeks of sheer insanity and another three months of intensive
therapy on the young lady in question), and the loss of part of Ororo's
ear. I am sick unto death of seeing my friends come to me gravely injured
while these idiots merrily cavort through the world, gleefully causing all
manner of disaster, and I live in absolute terror of the day that I cannot
save them. It was a very near thing with Rogue. In closing, the
death of these wastes of cellular matter can only be an improvement and would
brighten holiday spirit in this mansion considerably.
By the way - this request had been listed first originally; however, there
is something that smacks of tempting fate about so heartily wishing for the
demise of others, and fate has proven quite susceptible to temptation, at
least where I am concerned. Also, vile though they may be, they are
still, I suppose, people. Still, I would happily trade my first wish
for this one should you see fit to grant it.
4. Twinkies, lots of them. A mundane request, I know, but I
really do like them.
5. Whatever my friends wish for themselves this Christmas.
Yes, I know, it should be higher on the list. However, it has been
my observation that we are not always best served by getting what we wish
for. Rogue has often wished never to have been afflicted with her severe
mutation, but it was her very curse which enabled her to save the man she
loved. Scott has confided in me that he often wishes to control his
mutation, but, if he had been able to control it, he would not have been
able to save his own life by rendering Sabretooth unconscious with an optic
blast. You see, Scott was unconscious at the time himself, and the
vile beast accidentally knocked Scott's visor off while trying to eviscerate
him. Had Scott been in control of his powers, Sabretooth may well have
decapitated our fearless leader as he had planned. There is also the
matter of Robert. He often wishes for a different, more accepting family.
It has been hard for him, I know, but I honestly think that his experiences
have made him more compassionate toward others than he might have otherwise
been, and he has been invaluable in helping some of the younger children
adjust to life as a mutant.
So, you see, there are some hazards in asking for our own best assessment
of what is most desirable in our lives to be fully realized. Hence,
the low ranking on my list. Still, I do think that it is worth some
consideration. After all, we do deserve a chance at making ourselves
happy, do we not?
In closing, I would like to note that I shall not be leaving the usual
milk and cookie assortment for your consumption on Christmas Eve. I
shall leave you the medical records of some of the instances mentioned in
request number three, and an economy-sized bottle of Pepto-Bismol (they are
not pleasant reading). Perhaps this will encourage you to grant that
particular wish, or at least to gift the unholy trinity in question with
nothing but coal this holiday season. Well, coal and lethal poison
would also be acceptable. Yes, I shall include some formulas, some
suggestions, along with the medical records. In any case - I welcome
whatever gifts you may bring. In all fairness, I am fortunate to have
been much-gifted with friends and companionship despite my appearance.
For that, I am truly grateful.
Henry P. McCoy, Ph.D.