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Title: Baby
Mine
Author:
Terri
E-mail:
xgrrl26@yahoo.com
Rating:
R, adult themes
Disclaimer:
I don't own any of them but Jules, and I'm keeping the little guy ;)
Archive:
WRFA, Peep Hut, Dolphin Haven - anyone else, please ask and I'll
say yes ;) Feedback:
Please? Pretty please? Good, bad, and ugly welcome..............
Summary:
Marie's in trouble, and Logan comes home to help her.
Comments:
This one is the start of a series. A new series. Another series.
I am loathe to do this, but I promised myself that this will not be a demanding
series. It'll be easy. It'll be like the With Maries, to be worked
on only when the writer's block hits and when inspiration hits at the same
time. Yep, no new regular series for me, oh no........
---------------------------------------------------
The words
he'd heard over the phone - "Rogue asked us to contact you. She wants you
to come to Westchester right away." - had made his blood run cold. It wasn't
just that she'd asked them to find him, though that in itself was alarming.
He knew she'd never ask him to come back unless it was a very serious situation.
No, it wasn't just that, it was also the coldness in Scott's tone when he
called, the lack of an argument the man made when Logan said he'd drive all
night to get there, the way he'd just dully hung up the phone when Logan
had finished speaking. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. And
worse than that, something was very wrong with Rogue.
He raced
to get there, driving all night at dangerous speeds. Yet, as he pulled
up his camper and hitch to the mansion entrance, he found himself almost not
wanting to go inside. Part of him wanted to keep on living in this moment,
the space in time when he was here, able to help her, but before he had to
face whatever had gone wrong. He allowed himself to linger in the truck a
few moments before cutting the engine and heading for the door.
Jean opened
it before he could knock, something else that seemed to him a bad omen. On
top of that, Jean looked tired, haggard, almost. "Welcome back. I'll take
you to her."
"What happened?"
He'd tried to get it out of Scott on the phone, of course, but he would only
say that Rogue was asking for him and she would tell him herself when he
got there.
"Logan, just
- just remember that she's upset, very upset, and emotional. We did everything
we could to help her. We did what was best."
"What the
hell're you talkin' about?" Jean frowned. "Look, just spit it out, Jeannie."
"She was
taken, a few weeks after you left. She and two of the other girls - Kitty
and Jubilee - were abducted by some - some covert government agents. They
were taken to a medical facility and - and things were done. We did what was
best, Logan." There was fear in her voice, and a lie too. Logan definitely
didn't like that.
"Where is
she?" Jean nodded to the stairs. "Which room?"
"Your old
one. Just - just take it easy, Logan." With a final half-worried, half-pissed
look at her, he went to find Marie. Again, he allowed himself a few moments
before knocking on the closed door. He was trying to stifle his fear at what
Jean had revealed, at what might have happened to Marie, but also at what
her reaction to him would be. She'd been taken, gone for - all this time?
It suddenly occurred to Logan that Jean had said Marie was taken a few weeks
after he'd left. He'd been gone almost a year. Why hadn't they called him
before? Why hadn't they called him right away? Why the hell hadn't they called
him when they couldn't find her after a few days? He steamed over that for
a few moments, then tried to calm himself again. He had to focus on now, focus
on Marie. He could tear Chuck and Scooter a new asshole later.
He knocked.
"Who is it?" Her voice was tentative, a little frightened as it came through
the door.
"It's me,
kid."
"Logan!"
He thought he heard relief in her voice, but he didn't hear her moving to
get the door. "It's open. Come in."
He would
never have imagined the sight that greeted him. Marie was sitting up in the
bed, blankets strewn across one shoulder and breast, leaving the other bare.
Not quite bare, he corrected - her exposed breast was nestled beneath some
kind of blue fuzzy pillow. As it squirmed and Marie stroked it's back, it
dawned on him that the pillow was in fact a baby. That would explain why it's
wearing a diaper, he thought distantly.
"Come in,"
she repeated. "It's OK. He's almost done."
"Marie......."
"Logan, come
in," she said again, with a slight smile. "And close the door behind you,
OK? The whole world doesn't nee to see me breast feeding."
Logan numbly
followed her instructions, shutting the door and startling the child a bit.
Marie soothed him and Logan sat down at the foot of the bed, staring at her
slack jawed. "Are you OK?" he finally managed.
"Mostly."
She gave him a tight smile. "I'm still hurting a little from the delivery.
This is - this is Jules."
"Jules,"
Logan repeated.
"Yeah. He's
three days old. He's my son." Logan shook his head a little and tried to
say something but no words came out. "It's a long story. The short version
is - well, the short version is that I got kidnaped by some people and taken
to this hospital where they had a lot of mutants. They - they were cross breeding
us, trying to build the perfect mutant. I know it's kind of a shock. It's
a pretty big shock to me too." She gave him a small smile and when her face
moved to make the expression, he noticed that she bore some small scars along
her cheek and forehead. When he looked closer, he saw more on her neck and
exposed shoulder. "They didn't treat me too bad, except when I tried to escape.
They didn't want me to miscarry. I finally managed to escape about a week
ago, but - but I was really close to delivering. I had Jules about three
days ago. Wait - I said that didn't I? Sorry. It's just - so much has happened
and there's so much to tell you and I'm so glad you came back. I'm so glad."
She looked at him with a warmth he couldn't fathom. He didn't deserve that
warmth. He'd left her, left her to be taken, hurt, violated, forced to bear
a child that was an experiment. She should be looking at him with hatred,
contempt for his broken promises and failure to protect her, not warmth.
Definitely not warmth. "Logan, say something."
"Sorry.
Sorry. I'm just - I'm so sorry, Marie."
"It's not
your fault. You didn't know. Which is more than I can say for everybody else,"
she commented bitterly.
"Whaddya
mean?" Marie took a deep breath and glanced down at Jules. "I'm going to try
to just stay really calm when I tell you, OK? I have this theory that if
I'm upset when I'm feeding Jules, those emotions will somehow seep over to
him and I don't - I don't want that. So I'm going to just be really calm.
OK." She took a deep, steadying breath. "The Professor knew where I was for
about six weeks before I escaped. They didn't try to rescue us - Kitty and
Jubes and I escaped and then they came and picked us up, helped us out. They
were gathering evidence, the Professor says, to present to Congress. They
needed to let the doctors carry on their plans for a while and get evidence
first, so that they could save everyone, all of us, not just me and not just
the mutants in that hospital."
"Dammit!"
Jules started at that and at Logan's sudden departure from the bed. "Those
goddamn fuckers! He gave me his word he'd take care of you, Marie, he - "
"Waaaahhh!"
Jules had disengaged himself from Marie's breast and was protesting the sudden
noise and bed movement. Marie shushed him and tried to guide him back to her
breast. After a few tries, she succeeded.
"Sorry,"
Logan apologized in a softer tone. His stance had lost none of its tension
and his eyes had lost none of their fury, though.
"It's OK.
He's kind of a sensitive kid. I really wish I knew who the father was. Someone
blue, I guess." She gave Logan a small smile and gestured for him to sit
back down on the bed. "Look, Logan, I know you're mad. I'm mad too, but -
but that's not why I asked you to come back. I - I needed to ask a favor."
Anything,
he wanted to say, anything at all for you, kid. He didn't quite get the words
out, though. His attention was suddenly captured by Marie's sad, shy expression.
"I know
I should by rights probably never, ever ask you for another thing, ever. I
appreciate so much everything you've done for me so far. But - but I'm a
mom now, and I have to think of Jules. Logan, there's a hearing before congress
in three days. They're trying to pass the Mutant Registration Act again.
Jean and the Professor - they're going to Washington to fight it. They wanted
me to come along, to show off Jules and tell my story, but I - I said no.
Logan, things are going to get bad, very bad, and that would just make me
and Jules even bigger targets, public targets for the men who run that hospital
and people like them. I don't want that. Maybe it is selfish, maybe I'm not
thinking of the big picture like the Professor says, but I just want my son
to have a chance and to be safe." She paused, letting her eyes hold Logan's
for a moment. "I asked you to come back because I was hoping you might help
me. Again. I was hoping that you'd help Jules and me get to Canada, get out
of the U.S. before that hearing. I know it's a lot to ask and I don't have
any - any money or anything at all, really, and I know you've already done
so much for me, but I had to ask. I had to ask, for Jules. I hope you understand."
Tears formed in her eyes now, and Jules was squirming in her arms. She permitted
herself a sniffle before trying to even out her breathing and raising Jules
to her shoulder for a burp. Logan was still fixated on her, seemingly spellbound.
"Logan, please? I just - we can be on our own once we're across, but I don't
have a - a car or even a license and we couldn't use public transportation
because Jules is so obvious. I don't know if there'd be trouble and if I
could protect him. The x-men, the Professor, they won't help me do it, I
know. They think it's running away, they think we should all stick together
and face whatever comes and I want to be brave, I do, but - but I just don't
want to lose Jules. He's the one good thing out of all those months of -
I just don't want to take a chance on losing Jules. Logan, the Act will pass,
no matter what Jean and the Professor say or show them. The hospitals are
already built for us. Logan, please."
Tears were
rolling down her cheeks now, and Jules' soft burp finally shook Logan from
his reverie. "I"ll take care of you, Marie. I'll take care of everythin'."
He scooted closer to her on the bed, seemingly unmindful of all of her exposed,
deadly skin. He gently nestled a hand in her hair, lifting her head to meet
his gaze, and repeated. "I'll take care of you."
"You'll
help us get to Canada?"
"Yes."
"Soon?"
"Now." Logan
swallowed, and gave her a final gentle caress before standing. "Where's your
stuff?"
"All I have
is some old clothes. I think they're still in the next room. I want to take
- we'll need the diapers and blankets for Jules. Do you have a car?"
"Truck.
With a camper. Alberta plates. No one'll ask any questions. Marie, do you
have any papers?"
"Papers?"
"Yeah, birth
certificate, somethin' like that." He was already planning, already figuring
out how to keep her safe, not just at the border crossing, but two or three
steps after that too.
"Yes. I
took mine from home when I first left. It should still be in my top dresser
drawer."
"I'll get
it and your things. Get the baby ready." Marie eagerly nodded, and watched
Logan head out the door.
"Hang on
baby, everything's going to be OK now." She gave Jules a kiss on his fuzzy
forehead, then climbed out of bed to get dressed.
No one really
noticed that they were leaving until Marie and a well bundled Jules began
descending the stairs to meet a pacing Logan. Scott and Jean had been talking,
and watching Logan, in the adjoining room.
"Rogue?"
Scott ventured. "What's going on?"
She was
descending the stairs slowly and gingerly - her words about still healing
from the delivery came back to Logan, and he jumped in to spare her the effort
of an answer. "We're headin' out." It was said in the kind of warning tone
that should've prevented any further query, but Scott was not deterred.
"Out? You
- you can't go out, you just had a baby." He looked to Jean for support -
she was standing behind her husband, with a worried look on her face. "You
just had a baby," he repeated. No one answered him, not even Jean, who instead
laid a hand on his arm. Rogue finished coming down the stairs and paused to
gather her strength. Logan crossed the foyer to put an arm around her to
help support her.
"Rogue,"
Scott tried again. "You can't go anywhere - you're - you're - "
"Scott,"
she said softly, finally answering him. "I'm going. There's not a lot of time.
I'm sorry. I hope - I hope everything turns out OK, I really do. I'm just
- I can't stay here in case it doesn't. I can't do that to Jules. I've got
to go. Goodbye." She frowned, but let Logan begin steering her toward the
door.
"Rogue -
"
"Let her
go," Jean gently instructed her husband. "Let her go. It has to be her decision."
"But - but
- "
"Let her
go." Scott hung his head at his wife's words, but made no further protests.
"You OK?"
Marie had been very quiet and very fidgety in the truck. She sat in
the middle of the bench seat, with Jules and his car seat taking up the whole
of the passenger side. Pressed up against him as she was, Logan could
feel a little shudder go through her every now and then. They'd been
driving for nearly two hours and he'd counted five shudders.
"I guess
I'm just a little nervous about crossing the border."
"It's not
gonna be a problem. Why don't - why dontcha stay in back with Jules
when we go over, huh? Lemme handle it. I'll just tell 'em there's
another person back there sleepin'. I don't think it'll be a problem."
He wanted to avoid whatever anxiety or unpleasantness for Marie that he could;
it was a small way to begin making his absence up to her.
"OK.
If - if you think that'll be OK." Still fidgety, Logan noted.
That wasn't it.
"Anythin'
else on your mind?" She looked over at him with serious eyes.
It wasn't just the border crossing, he knew that for sure now. "Go
'head, tell me."
"Am I doing
the right thing? Do you think I should've stayed?"
"No, you
shouldnta stayed. You're doin' the right thing for you and your kid
there. You don't have a single reason to stay. All that bullshit
the Professor said - whatever it was 'bout stickin' together, bein' brave
- it's just him talkin' outta his ass. It's easy to say be brave when
you're gettin' whatcha wanted your whole life, the chance to force the issue,
be some kinda martyr to the mutie cause. Fuck that. That ain't
your fight, especially not after them leavin' ya in the hospital to rot like
they did." Like I did, Logan's guilty conscience added, causing him
to give up talking in favor of scowling.
"I'm not
- it's not just because of Jules. To be honest, I'm scared, scared
for myself, too. Even though - even though they didn't do anything
*that* awful to me in there. It wasn't, you know, rape and torture,
just - just keeping us there and making us pregnant."
"Bad enough."
"Yeah, but
they really didn't hurt us, not unless we were fighting them on going to
the examination rooms. Or when I - oh." Marie's sudden quiet took Logan's
eyes off the road and drew them to her.
"What?"
"I lost
your tags."
"What?"
Tears welled
up in her eyes a bit, but she kept them at bay. "I lost your tags.
They took all our clothes, jewelry, everything, and they took the tags from
me. I fought them. I fought them really hard. I didn't
just let them have them." Her finger went to her neck, tracing one
of the light scars on either side. She wore an apologetic frown, and
Logan realized all at once that the half-ring of scars on her neck had been
produced by the chain he'd given her being violently ripped off. "But
they kind of won and they took them from me. I'm so sorry I lost them.
You gave them to me to hold onto and I just - I know how much they mean to
you. I'm sorry."
"Kid, I
don't care about the tags." He turned his full attention to her as
they sat at a red light. "You shouldnta fought for 'em, Marie, they
don't mean that much to me."
"Logan,
I know they do, I know you - "
"Not enough
that I'd wantcha hurt. Nothin's worth that much to me." They
sat there just silently staring at one another for a few moments, each trying
to absorb the other's words. Finally, a loud honk alerted Logan that
the light had changed. He returned his eyes to the road and kept driving.
"You did the right thing. I'm gonna take care of you and your kid.
You did the right thing for both of ya."
"OK," Marie
quietly agreed. She took a deep breath to center herself. Logan
noticed that her fidgeting had calmed. "We should stop somewhere before
we cross over. Jules - he'll be awake and hungry anytime now and the
border guards probably shouldn't see him or hear him, right?"
"Right.
We'll stop. Next town. Marie - " All of a sudden, Logan
found himself to be the uneasy one. "Are you, ah, all right feedin'
him that way? Do you need to get, uh, baby food or milk or somethin'
for him?" She was weak, Logan could tell, and he didn't want her to
think she had to supply food for Jules from her body if she was doing it
because she was worried about money or something stupid like that.
He had plenty of money; they could get whatever Marie needed.
"Breast feeding
is probably best for him now. Plus it's - it's free food, you know.
Formula is very expensive." In an unconscious motion, her hand settled
atop her child's sleeping form. "And it doesn't have all the same nutrients
and things that breast milk does. I want to give him the best start
I can, so - so I think breast feeding will be good for a while."
OK, Logan
thought, she's got a point there. "Then let's getcha somethin' to eat
when we stop, huh? You need to keep your strength up."
"After we're
across, OK? I'll just be too nervous to keep anything down until after
we get across. I'm OK for now." There was a determined edge to
her voice, one that Logan didn't care to argue with.
"OK."
Their border
crossing was thankfully uneventful. Logan had left his hitch, and Scott's
bike, in Westchester and had instructed Marie and Jules to remain in the
camper bunk while he talked to the border officials on both ends. He told
them that he was traveling with his sleeping wife, returning from visiting
her relatives in the U.S. His story was accepted without incident.
They stopped
for food and then for the night in a small-town Ontario campground, giving
Logan his first real chance to talk with Marie. They'd both been nervous about
crossing over, and Marie was still well- exhausted from the delivery and
from the lack of sleep that Jules' feeding schedule demanded. When he parked
them and went around to join them in the camper, he gave a few last minutes
of thought to what he was about to propose before entering.
"Hey," he
greeted her. She was up in the bunk, beneath the covers, cradling Jules in
her arms as he slept.
"Hey."
"Little guy's
sleepin', huh?" Marie nodded and watched as Logan shuffled off his boots
and jacket. "Mind if I join ya up there? We'll needta stay under the blankets
durin' the night."
"Oh. Sure.
No problem. Let me just scoot over a little. Be - be careful of my skin."
"No worries."
He was well-covered and had left his gloves on. "I was hopin' to talk to
you a little bit. We need a plan."
"Do you
think there will be trouble up here if the Act passes?"
"Nah. Prime
Minister's been against it and public opinion supports him. Don't think that'll
change anytime soon." Logan hefted his bulky frame into the small bunk. Once
he got a closer look at Jules, he realized he wasn't quite fully asleep yet,
just lying peacefully in Marie's arms, eyes blinking open and shut as sleep
slowly came for him. Logan hadn't noticed before, but the child had Marie's
deep brown eyes. "He's still awake a little."
Marie peered
around to see Jules' face. His eyes blinked open and he stirred at the familiar
sight of her face. She indulged him in a beaming smile before shifting him
a little to make him more comfortable in her arms. "He's almost out. You
were saying something about a plan?"
"Yeah." Logan
reached out a gloved hand to rest lightly on her waist. "I know a guy in
Ottawa, a priest. He'll marry us on short notice and he'll keep it quiet.
That way, you'll get Canadian citizenship. Even if things do go bad somewhere
down the line, or if somethin' ever happens to me, they can't deport ya."
"Are you
saying you want to get married?"
"Mmm-hmm.
I can give you citizenship that way, Marie - my papers make me a citizen here
and you can apply for citizenship if we get married. All nice and legal,
above-board."
"Oh." She
was frowning now, and Logan rubbed her stomach a little. That got him a warmer
look. "Thanks - thank you. I really appreciate that, I do. I guess I was
just surprised and I - I guess I didn't think that's how I'd be getting married,
that's all. I'm just being stupid. It's a good idea. I - um, thank you."
"I know
it ain't probably how you thought 'bout your weddin', but the sooner we do
it the better. We can get to Ottawa tomorrow. Maybe have it done that night
if we hurry. I'm sorry I can't make it better for ya, kid, but we should do
it now."
"I know.
Just - just forget what I said, OK? I don't care about that, not really. You're
doing a lot for me by marrying me and I don't care about anything else."
She felt ashamed at giving such frivolous things as a dream wedding or marrying
someone who loved her any consideration. She reminded herself that her life
was about survival now, hers and Jules', and Logan was being very good to
them.
Logan gruffly
nodded at her words. "After that, we're gonna head for Alberta. I know
a guy there, a judge, who'll lemme adopt Jules without doin' all the rigamarole.
For a price, 'course. But he'll do it, it'll all be nice and legal, and that
way Jules'll get citizenship too. You'll both be safe here that way, permanently
safe. You'll be Canadians, just like anybody else." She didn't say
anything in response, so he prompted, "Marie?"
"I - I don't
know what to say."
"Look, I
know it's a lotta commotion and a lotta money, but I think it's the best way
to go. Maybe nothin'll ever happen here, maybe we can disappear in some small
town or out in the country, but it's a fail-safe in case anythin' ever goes
wrong. It's a little insurance, and if I'm gonna be takin' care of you and
your little one, well, we'll be kinda like a family anyhow. I know it seems
like a lot, and fast, but I think we should do it. I wouldn't ask you to
marry me and give me rights to your son as his dad if I didn't think it was
best for you and him, Marie. Trust me."
"I do,"
she stammered out. "I really, really do. I'm just in awe that you'd do all
that for us. It's a lot, Logan. It's a lot of responsibility to take on.
I mean, not that - not that I'm going to expect you to be a husband and father
and - "
"Why not?"
He wished he could take back the question as soon as it was out. It was obvious
why not - he'd abandoned her. Why would she think he could stand by her as
a husband and father now?
"Are you
- are you thinking this will be a - a real marriage, that we'll, you know,
live together like man and wife, like a family?" Her eyes were wide and her
mouth had dropped open as well; she couldn't have looked more surprised.
"I know
that might not be whatcha want and I don't blame ya if you're thinkin' I
might bolt on ya like I did before. But I'm gonna stick with you two, I'm
gonna protect ya, I'm gonna take care of ya, and I mean it." He knew it might
take time for her to believe it. He could wait. He had a lot of time.
She laid
her hand atop his, gently squeezing it as her eyes filled with tears. "I'd
like that very much. I'd like for us to be a family very much." Tears began
to roll down her cheeks, and Logan knew it would still take time and effort
to repair the damage he'd done to his relationship with Marie by not being
there when she'd needed him. He was very glad to hear her words, though. It
was a start. He gathered her in his arms, and held her and Jules until they
were both well asleep.
The next
evening, true to his word, Logan, Marie, and Jules were nervously waiting
in the vestibule of an empty church. The priest - actually a Unitarian minister
- was preparing for the ceremony in his office. As Marie rocked a sleepy Jules
in her arms and surveyed the church, she thought that it might not be her
dream wedding, filled with friends and family and exquisite dresses and flowers,
but it was undeniably beautiful. The church was softly lit by candles, was
small and clean-looking, just like she'd pictured for her dream wedding,
and the minister seemed nice. Plus, she had the two most important people
in her life by her side - her son and her soon-to-be husband. She was still
a little floored that Logan would want to have a real marriage with her,
but she was grateful for it, very grateful. If her wedding gown consisted
of a pale green hand-me-down skirt and a white sweater, so what? If she had
a pink scarf flung over her head instead of a lace veil, who cared? She would
be married to Logan soon, a man she loved, the man that wanted her and her
child. That was the important thing.
"Ready?"
The aged minister finally emerged from his office, shoving small spectacles
a little further back up the bridge of his nose. Logan explained that
he'd met the minister not long after waking up naked in the snow all those
years ago. He'd drifted into the church's mission, and had come to
know the man, come to trust him more than a little. Logan credited
him for giving him something to start with, for giving him a foothold in
this world. He'd told Marie the minister's name, but she'd already
forgotten it. It would be on the marriage certificate, though, and
she would take care to remember it when this was all over.
"Yeah, padre.
Let's get this show on the road."
The minister
rolled his eyes then winked at Marie. "I'm sure he means let's begin this
beautiful new chapter in our lives, dear." That got him a wide smile from
beneath her makeshift veil. "Let's go to the altar."
They stood
on one side of the small, humble altar, and the minister took his place on
the other. Marie glanced over at Logan. He was dressed like he would be for
any other day - jeans, flannel shirts, boots. But he had shaved when they
arrived in the church parking lot, and tried his best to tame his hair in
preparation for the ceremony. Marie's lips curled upwards as she recalled
him fussing with it in the rear view mirror.
"Logan and
Marie, you come before God and these assembled witnesses - that would be
you, young man - " Jules smiled at the minister's attention and squirmed a
little in Marie's arms. " - to join together in holy matrimony as husband
and wife. Logan has told me that you would prefer a brief, informal ceremony,
is that right?" Both parties nodded. They were, after all, eager to get back
on the road to Alberta and Jules' adoption. "Very well then, perhaps we should
cut right to the chase. Logan, do you take this woman, Marie, to be your lawfully
wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and
in health, until death do you part?"
"I do,"
Logan said solemnly. He'd been gazing intently into Marie's eyes as the minister
spoke. He was relieved that she seemed to return the emotion and commitment
in his gaze.
"Marie, do
you take this man, Logan, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and
to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, until death do
you part?"
"I do."
She said it softly, but with conviction. It pleased Logan to hear that, and
it pleased him even more that she said it with a smile on her lips.
"Then by
the power vested in me by the Province of Ontario, I hereby pronounce you
man and wife. You may kiss the bride." The minister beamed at them both as
they turned to face each other. Logan took a step toward Marie, taking her
face in his bare hands, protected by her scarf/veil. Very slowly, he leaned
in to kiss her lips. She'd expected a perfunctory, chaste kiss, but instead
his warm lips pressed to hers sensually. She parted her lips a bit and he
repositioned his to take her bottom lip and gently suck on it. They lingered
in the warm, sensual kiss until the minister cleared his throat.
"Ahem. I
thought that you two wished to have a brief ceremony?" Logan reluctantly parted
from his now-blushing bride, and gave Jules' fuzzy head a gentle caress before
stepping away from her altogether.
"Thanks,
padre. I owe ya one."
"Take care
of this lovely young lady and her child and we shall call it even." The minister
gathered his Bible and left them to their privacy at the altar.
Marie was
still a little spellbound, and Logan took advantage of it to gaze at her
in the candlelight a bit more. At length, he lightly touched her arm and
broke the spell. "Ready to go, darlin'?" She nodded, but didn't move, reaching
out a hand to tug at Logan's arm and stay his own departure.
"It was
perfect."
"Darlin'?"
"It was
a perfect wedding, everything I could ever want. Thank you for making it
perfect." Logan smiled, but knew her words were meant to make him feel better.
He knew it still wasn't the wedding she'd dreamt of or deserved. But he let
himself believe it a little as they headed out for Alberta as man and wife.
"Sorry."
"It's OK."
Marie always tried to be quiet and not to wake Logan when Jules' nighttime
feeding needs kicked in. It never worked. Logan's sensitive ears
usually picked up Jules' soft cries before they became loud ones. Since
Marie slept between the two of them, he couldn't get Jules and quiet him
without waking Marie. So, he simply let her sleep until Jules woke
her, and sometimes pretended that he hadn't been woken by the child's cries
to make Marie feel better. Tonight, though, was the night before they
were to go before a judge, the night before they were to adopt Jules, and,
truth be told, Logan was a little on edge.
Marie -
she was one thing. Logan had always considered her his and his responsibility,
from the moment he pulled over to pick her up on that snowy day so many months
ago. Jules was something else; Logan just didn't feel that strong,
overwhelming connection with the child. If he was going to be responsible
for him, it would be out of choice, not instinct. Logan was committed
to doing it - it solidified his bond with and marriage to Marie - but that
didn't mean he was at ease doing it. It would mark a big change in
his life, a landmark. He'd never before voluntarily made that kind
of commitment. He didn't know if he could make it work; he hadn't done
such a great job of that, even with Marie, even when he did have strong feelings
for her. He'd still failed in his promise to take care of her.
Could he really take care of Jules?
"You can
go back to sleep if you want. He'll be pretty quiet now." Marie
was well into feeding her child, having opened her nightgown and sat up as
much as the bunk would allow.
"Nah, I'm
good." Logan loved to watch her breast feed. It was an oddly
beautiful sight - Jules' blue, furry, small, squirming body juxtaposed against
her pale, pink smooth skin; the sometimes-exhausted, sometimes-beatific look
on her face when she did it; the smell of her milk and Jules' soft sucking
sounds all fascinated Logan. It was something he was incapable of doing,
yet something that he found himself identifying with. It's giving life,
he found himself thinking, it's her life flowing into Jules just like Logan's
life had once flowed into her. He wondered if she felt emotions as
profound as he had when he touched her, and whether having the child grow
inside her body was even more intense. "Hey, Marie, what didya think
when you first had him?"
That got
a wry smile. "You mean besides - gosh, he's blue? Just the usual
things, I guess. I thought - is he healthy, is he OK? Then I
thought - am I OK? Jean was just holding him, you know, staring at
him for what seemed like forever. I'm sure she was as surprised as
I was. But finally, she said he was OK, and so was I. Then I
thought - I'm not ready for this. I don't want to be a mother.
I don't want a kid. I don't know how to take care of him."
"You wanted
to give him up?" Logan asked it with some surprise, because she seemed
so natural with him and so attached to him now. Marie sighed, frowning.
"Uh, not - not that you would or that you'd - "
"I thought
about it," she whispered. "Jean said she would take him, take care of
him, but - but he was *mine,* you know, and even if I was scared and not ready
and didn't know what I was doing, I still couldn't leave him. I guess
it just came down to that. He's my son, and I'm going to be the one
taking care of him, even if I can't really do such a great job. I don't
know if that's the right thing or not, but - but it's how I feel."
Those words certainly resonated with Logan. "Sometimes I think that
maybe this happened for a reason, maybe he was meant to come along now.
I don't think - I wouldn't have called for you if it wasn't for Jules.
I wouldn't have left the U.S., and sometimes I think that - oh, hey - have
you heard anything? Did the Act pass?"
Logan shrugged.
"Haven't been payin' attention to papers or the news."
"I bet it
did," Marie whispered, shifting Jules slightly. "I hope they're all
OK."
"Me too."
Logan propped himself up a little so that she could see him when he said
the next part. "But I'm gonna do more than hopin' for you and
Jules. I'm gonna make sure you're OK, like I shoulda all along.
I'm sorry I never called or wrote or - "
"Logan, don't.
Just don't, OK? Don't beat yourself up about what happened. I
don't blame you. It's not your fault and - and you're doing so much
for us now. Don't feel bad about what happened, please."
One gloved
hand reached out to stroke her cheek. He hadn't really touched her,
hadn't kissed her, since the wedding. He knew that those things were
far off - even if Marie were so inclined, it would be a long time before
her still-healing body would permit them to consummate the marriage.
Logan doubted that Marie was even thinking along those lines. She was
still trying to heal, to process all that had happened, to cope. Despite
her words, Logan thought that she would need quite some time to heal from
the pain he'd inflicted by leaving her to her own devices for so long, for
not being there, for not keeping his promise to her. She would never
throw it up in his face, never berate him for it or complain, but he knew
deep down, it must have hurt her. He didn't want to rush things, didn't
want to do anything that would interfere with all of the kinds of healing
Marie needed. "You're beautiful, you know that?"
Her look
became suddenly playful. It took Logan's breath away. "Oh, you
have to say that, you're my husband."
"That's right,
I am." Before he quite knew what he was doing, he leaned over and planted
a soft kiss on her head, protected by her hair. "And I'm gonna take
good care of you, baby."
"You're doing
really well so far. I'm glad - I don't know what Jules' biological father
would be like, but I'm glad he's getting you for a dad to raise him.
You'll be a great dad to him, I know you will."
"I'm gonna
try," Logan answered honestly. "Whaddya wanna tell him 'bout all that
- his real dad and stuff?"
"I think
we have some time before we have to decide," Marie said, in a light, joking
tone. "But, Logan, you will be his 'real' dad. You'll be the one raising
him and it'll be legal too. I definitely want to tell him that - that
his other dad is out there somewhere. Maybe he'll want to look for him
one day. He's bound to notice he's a little different, that he doesn't
look like a combination of you and me, and I don't want to lie to him.
But I guess I don't want to tell him the whole story, either - how they took
me, what they were trying to do, how they were hoping to learn to control
us. I don't want him to have some kind of complex about it. I'll
tell him that you're his father, that you saved his life, and that you chose
him. You decided to make me your wife and him your son, and that means
that you love us very much." Marie paused for a moment, flushing red.
"Ah, you know, I, ah - "
Logan, for
once, read her thoughts pretty accurately. "I do love you, Marie."
She stopped chewing on her bottom lip and smiled. "We're gonna be OK.
It's all gonna work out OK, you'll see."
Marie smiled
warmly in return, and shifted Jules in her arms. "Thanks. I -I
- you know I love you too, very much, right? I'm going to try to be
a good mom and wife to you."
"You're doin'
great on both counts so far." Jules squirmed, giving the signal that
he was finished feeding for now. "Want me to grab you a clean diaper?"
"Yeah.
Thanks." Marie watched as he shuffled out of the bunk and retrieved
Jules' things. "You've got a good dad there," Marie whispered to Jules.
"A very good dad."
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